130: How to Stop Worrying What Other People Think

How to stop worrying what other people think

One of the most frequent questions I get asked by our community is how to stop worrying about what other people think. And it’s honestly a really great question– they don’t teach you this stuff in school. Or anywhere else for that matter.

Worrying about what others think is part of human nature, your brain evolved to care! In this episode, I’ll take you through a neuroscience-based perspective on why we care so much about what other people think. We’ll explore the fears and doubts that hold you back, and I’ll share 3 key strategies to build confidence and take decisive action without worrying about what other people think.

Ready to make a massive change in your life? Let’s dive in.

My confidence crushing experience

My journey to becoming an entrepreneur has definitely been a wild ride, with my fair share of confidence crushing experiences. If you’ve started a business of your own you’ll know exactly what I mean when I say it takes a ton of learning, and it’s not for the faint of heart.

For example, for one of the first webinars I ever ran in my business, I remembered feeling so excited about the new program I had developed. It was my confidence academy course- and I thought I had created a really great webinar to give clients an introduction to the program and help me sell the course to our community.

It was actually the second time I had launched this program. The first launch went well, and I received awesome feedback on the webinar. Naturally, I was super excited for this second go around.

But the second time turned out to be a disaster. Part way through, when I transitioned to talking about how folks could join my program if they were interested, the comments got negative. Like troll-level negative. I got comments saying I was a scammer, that I was just out to make money, and questions like how could I live with myself knowing that I was charging people for mental health support.

And I was completely shook. I got off the call at the end and bawled my eyes out in my office. I felt so discouraged, with all my inner insecurities about not being good enough or talented enough bubbling up to the surface. I began to doubt myself and my ability to run a business.

Ironically enough, the workshop I’m talking about was based on how to stop worrying about what other people think!

3 reasons your brain worries what other people think

So why do we worry so much about what other people think?

Reason 1: Your brain evolved to keep you safe.

One of the evolutionary adaptations that human beings experience is fear. And this makes sense, right? You only want to stick your hand in a fire once, or preferably, not at all. Because if your brain says that fire is supposed to be hot, and you’re scared to put your hand in the fire, you’re going to live longer than the guy who keeps sticking his hand in the flame to see if it’s still hot.

But fire and giant bugs aren’t the only things we’re scared of.

Our brains also evolved social fears. And these fears include the fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of not being liked, and the fear of not being good enough. So where did these social fears come from?

A few thousand years ago, it was a pretty big deal if your group of humans didn’t like you! If you mess up or get other people pissed at you, then you might get kicked out of the cave and have to fend for yourself against giant animals.

Our brains learned these fears to keep us safe and to make sure that we were liked by others. Because our survival depended on it. We needed people to like us, so our brains started caring about what other people thought- even worrying about doing the wrong thing or upsetting someone else.

Have you ever wanted to try something so badly, but just as you were about to finally go for it, doubt crept in at the very last second? And your brain stopped you from doing it with thoughts like:

What if I fail?
What if I get turned down?
What if they don’t like me?
What if I’m not good enough?

Feel free to insert all the other “what-ifs” you can think of in this scenario. So you end up hesitating, procrastinating, and avoiding that thing.

Reason 2: Those fears that once kept you safe, now hold you back in our modern world.

If people don’t like you, or you make a mistake, it’s not nearly the disaster that it could have been a few thousand years ago. But the funny thing is- your brain still reacts the same way.

Our brains make us doubt our choices. When we do this, we lose confidence in ourselves and we stay stuck in the same place. Even if that place isn’t fun, or isn’t making you happy. You can get stuck in the same job that you hate, the same relationship that isn’t working, the same financial stress that’s keeping you up at night.

Your brain keeps you stuck because it’s safer in that familiar place. Safer than the risk of changing something. Change is uncertain, uncomfortable, and downright scary. And this is a massive problem when it comes to building confidence, chasing your dreams, and living the life you want for yourself.

Reason 3: Habits are learned through practice.

Think about any of your habits, like getting up and brushing your teeth, or grabbing your phone before you walk out of your house for the day. Maybe you take the same route to work every day, or have the same thing in your coffee every morning.

Where did these habits come from? Your brain learned these habits, through practice, right?

But the reality is that some habits are not great for us. Nor are they helpful. Self-doubt and constant worry about what other people think are some of these bad mental habits. Even though we now know that there’s a biological basis for fear and self-doubt, you actually started your life feeling pretty darn confident.

Young kids are a great example. Ever watch a toddler learn to walk? Their first steps are super shaky and they fall a million times. But they keep getting back up. They never doubt that they’re going to learn to walk.

Do young kids worry about disappointing someone if they fail, or hurting someone’s feelings if they say what’s on their minds? Nope! They keep going and they say whatever they think. The other day, my 5 year old turned to her dad when he was doing a funny dance and said “oh dad you’re so dramatic” then laughed hysterically and repeated it the rest of the day. She wasn’t shy to speak her mind!

But over time, we get less confident. As your inner critic starts to grow, your brain starts to doubt your decisions and you find yourself worrying more and more about how you’ll come across to others, and what others might think about what you do or say. The expectations and opinions of those around you start to take hold more.

Can you remember the first time you felt embarrassed? The first time you messed up and others laughed or made fun of you? Most of us can come up with an example pretty quickly.

I remember one of mine. I was probably 6 or 7, and I was in my very first solo tap dance competition. I remember my mom nagging me that I needed to practice more, but my very confident 6 year old self was certain I could do this. So I got up on stage in my favorite costume- this little red and white polkadot outfit- got to the middle of the stage, started to dance, then froze. I completely forgot what move went next. I remember being terrified, embarrassed, and running off the stage in tears.

It’s easy to think of an example, right?

Reason 4 our brains worry what others think: Our brains are experts at remembering our mistakes.

Think about your week so far. How many mistakes did you make? Can you list them off quickly? That email you sent with a typo, that time you forgot someone’s name, when you said the wrong thing in a meeting…

Now think about your wins this week. All the things you did right. Did you pause? Was it harder to think of your wins than your mistakes?

That’s normal. Your brain is designed to remember mistakes to keep you safe- keep you from making the same mistakes again. Even though focusing on your mistakes so you can avoid making them again in the future seems helpful, constantly zooming in on all the things you did wrong is actually training your brain for self-doubt.

Remember, habits are learned through practice. If your brain is constantly focused on mistakes, it’s no wonder self-doubt becomes one of your mental habits. And if your mental habit is to doubt yourself and focus on all the times you screw up, that’s where your brain will stay.

You’ll act with uncertainty, bail on all the things you’ve always wanted to do, and stay stuck right where you are. Feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and lacking confidence to change.

3 confidence boosting strategies for your brain

As someone who knows exactly how this feels, I’ll share 3 simple strategies you can start using today to shift your brain away from doubt and worrying about what other people think.

Strategy 1: Pump the breaks. When your brain and body are keyed up, running a hundred miles a minute, it’s tough to slow that engine down and think rationally enough to feel confident in your decisions.

Take 5 deep breaths to calm your mind and body. Breath in through your nose, then out through your mouth like you’re blowing out a candle. Try to keep your chest in the same place and breathe through your belly. It can help to put a hand on your stomach and one on your chest. Try to keep the hand on your chest in place and push the one on your stomach out as far as it will go.

The awesome part about this stress-reducing strategy is that you can do it anywhere. And once your body relaxes and your brain gets the oxygen it needs to think clearly, you’ll have the resources to focus on the positives. Not the stuff holding you back.

Strategy 2: The Brain Dump. Here’s how this works. Write down one place where you're holding yourself back because you’re scared of what others might think or say. Now write down all the thoughts that come to your mind. Everything you’re scared of. All those what if’s and worst case scenarios. No judging yourself here, you just want to get all that fear out. Then go someplace private and read all those thoughts out loud. Look in the mirror while you read them for added benefit.

Bringing this fear out into the open is the first step in retraining your brain to take confident action to overcome that inner perfectionist and people pleaser. Your brain feeds on those doubts and uncertainties when you keep them bottled up. Writing those fears down, then saying them out loud, challenges your brain to take a more realistic look at exactly what you’re scared of. Plus, our brains interpret things differently when we hear them versus when we just think them.

You might be surprised that those reasons you’re holding yourself back don’t feel quite so strong once you say them out loud.

Strategy 3: Take baby steps. You can train your brain to have self-confidence and to believe in yourself just like you train your brain to do any other skill. Through practice and baby steps! Small successes every day will train your brain to be more confident in yourself.

Pick one area where you lack confidence, then brainstorm ways you could take small steps to challenge this fear (the smaller the better, remember we want baby steps to change a habit).

Pick one of these small steps and commit to doing it every day for 30 days. Consistency is key when it comes to strengthening your confidence muscle. Your brain will build confidence with each successful baby step.

Episode bonus resources

Ever wished you had more time in your day? Checkout my daily productivity checklist workbook. This free workbook will walk you through the steps I use to set up my day to maximize productivity so you can get more done in your day (without feeling totally overwhelmed or staying up all night to squeeze it all in!) Download your copy of Your Daily Productivity checklist at https://www.drnicolebyers.com/checklist

How I bounced back from my confidence crushing experience

Back to that day of the disastrous webinar launch. After I had a good cry, because it’s 100% okay to feel bad when people say hurtful things, I went to my colleagues for support. I had weekly business meetings at the time with a group of other psychologists. They helped remind me of what I had to offer- they picked me up and dusted me off, and gave me some tips on how to make my presentation better- which I spent that night doing, so when I ran the webinar the next day, it was a much better experience.

Our brains are designed to keep us safe. So we’ve developed fears and doubts, like our drive to care about what other people think. But the same fears that once kept us safe, no longer serve us in our modern world. They only hold us back.

Give these 3 simple and easy strategies a go the next time doubt takes over. You’ll clear your mind of fear and start building confidence to live a bold and extraordinary life.

Show Highlights

[01:44] - I share a negative experience with my very first webinar for my business.

[03:06] - The first reason we worry about what other people think is that our brains evolved to keep us safe.

[03:46] - Our brains also evolved social fears.

[05:01] - The fears that once kept us safe, hold us back in the modern world.

[06:00] - Habits are learned through practice.

[07:11] - Over time, we learn to be less confident.

[09:01] - If you constantly think about your mistakes, self-doubt becomes a habit.

[09:36] - Pump the brakes.

[10:27] - Another strategy to help is called “The Brain Dump”.

[11:38] - Take baby steps.

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