Why You Shouldn't Take Over When Your Spouse Is Doing The Dishes Wrong
I’m not the world’s greatest cook, but I did live on my own for many years before I met my husband and I managed to cook well enough to keep myself alive. I might not have the best techniques, but what I do works, most of the time.
Whenever I’m cooking though I see the look of concern on my husband’s face. Apparently when I’m stirring it looks like I’m either going to make a giant mess or burn myself.
He looks like he’s ready to jump in and take over, and I have to remind him that my way might not be his way, but my way works just fine.
I’ve noticed that I have to remind myself of this when I see my husband do things too and I don’t think he’s doing it the right way. Really this just means he’s doing things different than I would, like folding the laundry, or vacuuming, or whatever.
So I started to think about why this bothers me and realized is because of the expectations I have not just for myself but for others. I expect that my husband is going to do things the same way I do, just like he expects me to stir the same way he does.
But what if my standards aren’t realistic in the first place? Just because my husband has a different way of doing the dishes doesn’t necessarily mean that his way is wrong.
And realistically if I want him to clean I had better get on board with how he does things or he just might stop cleaning I’m going to have to do it all myself!
When I talk to friends, family, and clients the most common thing that people complain about is that others aren’t doing things the way they want him to. They’re not acting the way they feel people should act, whether its cleaning, helping with childcare, or completing a project at work. And because we feel the other person is doing things wrong, we get really stressed and frustrated because we feel like we need to take over everything and do it the right way! Sound familiar?
In these situations were someone is doing something we don’t like we basically have three options.
Take over the task and do it yourself. Might work in the short term but in the long term it just leads to more frustration, more burnout, and more anger and resentment towards the other person.
Tell the other person they’re doing it wrong. Might make you feel good to say it, but my guess is the other person’s not going to be too happy about being criticized, and it’s going to make you more frustrated because they’re not going to change.
Decide on the RESULT you want from the situation. What’s your goal? It is my goal getting the dishes done? Maybe then the best option is just to let my husband do it his way, even if it’s not how I would do it. Yes this does mean we need to check ourselves and stop micromanaging our partners and friends! Stay in your lane, and check your expectations.
Remember, most of the time done is better than perfect. And stressing and arguing with our family and coworkers about who does things right just leads to more tension and frustration.
Try this this week when you see someone doing something and you feel the urge just to take over step back for a minute. Ask yourself what is the outcome you want. Do you want the task done, or do you want to take on the extra responsibility of doing it yourself so that it’s done exactly how you like it? How important is it that it’s done your way? Then decide if you want to let it go, or take on that task yourself.
Want to learn more about how our personality impacts how we handle stress? Click the link here to take my newest quiz to discover your Stress Personality.