56: Fight Overwhelm and Stress by Shifting Your Mental Stories

Are you a story teller?

No, I don’t mean the bedtime stories you tell your kids…

… I’m talking about the default stories you tell yourself. That little voice that’s always talking in the back of your brain.

Mental stories impact the way you see yourself and how you see the world. Notice how quickly your brain goes to the “what if’s” when you’re trying to do something outside your comfort zone. And those stories can lead to a whole bunch of stress, overwhelm, guilt, and uncertainty.

Not fun, right?

Today I’ll walk you through a strategy to shift your brain’s perspective away from these default stories, and towards feeling more in control.

Making Sense Of The World

Your brain loves a good story. A story with:

a beginning, middle, and end
with good guys and bad guys
and a clear plot line

So when something happens around you (in your story), your brain is super quick to jump in and try to explain what the heck is happening in this thickening plot.

But sometimes, your brain can’t explain it. Why did your friend say that hurtful thing? Why did you get fired? This leads to uncertainty, and your brain does not like uncertainty!

Example 1: Mind Reading

Here’s an example – Someone cut you off in traffic.

Instantly, your brain has thoughts like

What a jerk!
People are SO inconsiderate
Why are there so many bad drivers today?

But here’s the catch – there’s a difference between facts and opinions/feelings.

Fact: The guy cut me off – this is what I actually know to be true
Opinions/Feelings: He’s a jerk, people are inconsiderate, I’m surrounded by bad drivers

But when your brain started telling this story it all felt like facts. He’s a jerk for sure, right? But do you really know that?

In psychology, we call this thinking error mind reading. As in, abracadabra, I can read other people’s minds and know what they’re thinking.

I know he caught me off on purpose
I know he’s a bad driver
And I know he’s a jerk!

In reality, you don’t know what his reasoning is. You’re assuming he’s a jerk and directing all your anger towards him. What if instead:

that the sun blinded him from seeing you
he’s race against the clock to meet his wife at the hospital going into labour
a bee was buzzing too close for comfort in his car

Okay fine… maybe there is no baby and there is no bee. But it doesn’t actually matter if this alternative perspective is true. What matters is that your brain realizes that there’s another side to the story.

When we get super focused on our view of the world – on those default stories – it’s hard to see another perspective.

Like I said, your brain loves to fill in the blanks. This is especially true when you’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed, angry, sad, or anything in between. Your brain has learned beliefs and created a mental blueprint for how to explain or react to these emotions.

Example 2: Back To The Facts

Here’s another example – pulled right from my own life.

I have a very opiniated preschooler. She’s the bossy boss, but she’s a cute one!

The other night my daughter was having a monster meltdown before bed because she was missing a stuffy. She’s crying and daddy isn’t helping and I’m tired from work and… my blood was starting boil. My jaw clenched, my head throbbed, and I had a few choice words for my husband swirling in my mind.

Here’s the stories my brain was making up:

Why doesn’t he come up here and deal with it himself
Quit telling me what to do
He doesn’t think I can handle this
He doesn’t respect my parenting

Maybe you’ve been there before, too.

But remember, there’s a difference between facts and opinions/feelings.

Fact: My daughter’s crying
Fact: My husband yelled up the stairs to tell her that she can’t yell at daddy
Opinion/feeling: I have to do everything myself
Opinion /feeling: My husband is bossy and he doesn’t know what he’s doing
Opinion /feeling: He’s always trying to control me or tell me what to do

But let’s slow that rollercoaster to anger-town down a bit. What’s the alternate perspective? Maybe…

He’s just trying to help
He feels overwhelmed too
His feelings are hurt because my daughter always calls for mom and not dad

When your brain is stuck in that story of blame and guilt it’s hard to see that alternate perspective.

It’s Not All In Your Head

These mental stories impact your body too!

A good way to notice that your brain is starting to make up stories about what’s going on is to start noticing how your body reacts.

When you’re faced with stress or anxiety or overwhelm (or all of the above!) you might notice

You’re clenching your jaw so tight you could break a metal bar
Your shoulders are creeping up to your ears
Your stomach tying itself in knots
Shakiness, headaches, your mouth going dry

These are all your body’s way of recognizing that something is wrong. Your brain says “Danger! Something is wrong here”, and then your body reacts.

When the emotional centers in your brain light up it blasts messages to your body. In response, your body reacts as if there’s a disaster that you need to prepare for. That’s the default response – getting you ready to fight or run away.

The problem? Once your body stats reacting this sends messages back to your brain saying “yeah, we’re freaking out, we’re ready to go, and we’re stressed to that max”. All these conversations between your mind and body keep your mental stories going.

Your brain starts to think those thoughts are facts, since your body is believing it. But it’s not fact, it’s the emotional stories that your brain is creating to help you make sense of the situation.

Basically, it’s a lot of pointing fingers when no one is telling the truth.

4 Steps To Get Your Brain & Body Out Of Disaster Mode

Here are 4 steps to follow for getting your brain and body out of disaster mode.

Give yourself some space – The switch of walking away can sometimes be enough to shift your brain out of panic mode.
Take a few deep breaths – The big, belly breaths kind!
While that story is still fresh in your mind, grab a pen and paper and write down all the ways your brain is trying to explain the situation (the stories) – Writing these thoughts down forces your brain to take a more realistic look at whether these stories are actually true.
Find the alternate view and think outside yourself – It’s easier to see things from another perspective when we’re helping someone else. Ask yourself: “What would I tell my best friend if she was telling me she was telling this story in her head?”

Back To That Jerk In Traffic

Remember our example of the jerk that cut you off in traffic?

Let’s brainstorm some alternate stories.

Maybe he…

Is late to work
Just spilled his coffee
Is still accompanied by the bee in his car
Really had to use the washroom

By trying to think of as many alternative perspectives as you can you’re challenging that default response. You’re getting your brain to see that the first thought you have is not fact, and shifting that perspective can help calm your body and mind.

Remember: This takes practice! The more you do this exercise, the easier you’ll start to catch those default stories and be able to challenge them in real time.

Show Highlights

[01:37] Why what-ifs are a great example of mental stories.

[02:21] Your brain loves to make sense of the world and have a clear narrative.

[03:01] An example of how your brain will fill in details of a story.

[05:22] Why your default stories are a big problem for your body and mind.

[08:23] Is there an alternative perspective?

[10:15] Your body reacts to these stories and sends negative messages to your brain.

[12:08] How we can shift your emotional stressors from our stories.

[14:46] One quick tip to challenge your mental stories

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