55: Riding the Emotional Wave and Teaching Emotional Intelligence to Our Kids with Dr. Tamara Soles

How many times did your toddler say “no” today? My preschooler has found her voice and I think no is her favorite word.

Psychologist and parenting coach Dr. Tamara Soles joined me on the show this week to talk about how you can be a leader at home, and how to teach your kids to be confident little humans without feeling exhausted when they start saying “no” to everything.

Tamara is a mom of twins (double the “no”’s!) from Montreal, Canada. She earned her Ph.D. in child clinical and school psychology from McGill University and now works as a psychologist and parent coach. She’s the founder of the Secure Child Center for Families and Children and hosts the podcast “This Hour Has 50 Minutes”.

Tamara has always had a passion for psychology and a love for kids. She was also eager to work with parents and set kids up with the right stuff to reach their full potential. The secret? Secure attachment with mom and dad!

No, No, NO!

With a million years in school studying neuropsychology under my belt, I know the importance of learning. I think about the power of learning all the time when I’m with my daughter. Kids are like sponges and they pick up on things so fast. Sometimes things you wish they didn’t learn – like that one time you let the F bomb slip and now your toddler won’t stop repeating it.

My daughter is almost four, and “no” is her go-to word.

Do you want to…

Eat dinner? No.
Go to the park? No!
Have some ice cream? NO!

Even ice cream!? I laugh at her response, but it can be exhausting when you’re up against the bossy boss every day.

As an adult you’re probably the opposite - You tend to say “yes!” too often, which can be equally as exhausting as the no’s you hear from your toddler.

As parents who want to raise strong, independent, and non-monster children, how do we encourage autonomy for our kids without losing our cool when we hear the 100th “no” of the day?

I Always Feel Like… My Kid Is Watching Me…

Remember – the hard work that you put it in as a parent is setting the foundation for raising humans that are confident, who have goals and desires, and who turn out to be exceptional individuals! That’s a lot of work!

Kids learn more from what you do than what you say – This means paying attention to modelling your own boundaries and being able to assert yourself in your daily life.

Balance is important. It’s common to over use “no” when setting limits with your kids. There’s a lot of things that kids want to do and mom is always the one to say no. So can we blame them for saying “no” back when they get the chance?

The more you try to control their daily lives, your tiny human is more likely to push back!

Tamara’s tips:

Make sure the expectations you’re setting are appropriate
Give your kids room for freedom and flexibility – Don’t over-schedule and just let them play
Collaborate – Move away from control-based no’s towards team work and giving your kids some choice.

This Too Shall Pass

Ever react way bigger to something your kid did than you feel you should? They stick their tongue out at a stranger, or throw their third tantrum of the day – and you lose your marbles!

Why are your reactions to these situations bigger than they should be?

Because you’re projecting your 10-years-down-the-road worries on this one moment!

“Oh my god, I can’t have a kid who disrespects others or can’t control her emotions!”

But… you don’t. You have a four year old who’s acting like a four year old. Chances are, 10 years down the road, your now 14 year old will be acting like a 14 year old (with 14-year old tantrums!).

Don’t Be A Tornado Mom

Picture this: You’re…

Trying to get to swimming lessons on time
Running behind schedule and you might be late
Scrambling around the house trying to get everything together – the kids, their swim gear, a snack on the way – and giving your husband the side eye to maybe… help?

This was the day that Tamara realized she was a tornado mom. She realized that her storm of swimming lesson scramble wasn’t actually getting anyone out the door any faster.

So not only was her tornado increasing her blood pressure to unsurpassed levels… it also wasn’t even effective.

Don’t get caught up the whirlwind!

Choose A New Frame

What characteristics do you want to foster in your child?

No, I’m not talking about wanting them to be good at math.

I mean the foundational stuff, like resilience or critical thinking or independence.

“There is often a huge disconnect between what parents say they would like their kids to embody as adults, and what we’re doing to help them get there” says Tamara.

You want your kid to be a critical thinker, but you don’t want them to argue with you about rules.

You want your kid to be independent, but she’s nine years old and has never had a responsibility around the house.

So much of parenting is framing your mindset.

For example, instead of seeing your child as stubborn, could you frame it as they’re determined?

Tamara explains that how you support them in that skill makes all the difference.

Another example is you notice your child is being ‘overly-directive’ with his friend while they play and not allowing any room for his friend to contribute.

Tamara suggests having a conversation afterwards to ask your child “I wonder what it was like for Sophie when you were choosing what to play and she didn’t get to choose”.

Afterwards is also the key here, to avoid jumping in and embarrassing your child in the moment, and potentially squandering his developing skill of leadership.

Come at it from a place of curiosity and support, and within your new frame of mind.

You’re fostering your child’s skills, but there’s always something to work on.

Imagine if someone was always looking over your shoulder, pointing out all of your mistakes and micromanaging you. You would have a temper tantrum too, right?

It’s a hard balance of letting your child thrive and flourish vs. constantly looking for things they need to get better at.

Speaking Of Temper Tantrums…

Kids have BIG emotions.

So how can you help your child explore and feel these emotions while also avoiding meltdowns in the middle of a quiet library?

Start by creating a space where emotions can be talked about freely.

The goal: Building emotional intelligence!

Start this with your child by:

Narrating emotions
Describing emotions
Reflecting on emotions

Another pro tip: It’s important to remember that your role as a parent isn’t to stop a tantrum.

Trying to put out the fire and stop a tantrum is actually what leads to the belief that emotions aren’t okay. When mom swoops in to distract with something shiny to shift the mood, instead of allowing the emotions to exist, we’re teaching our kids that emotions are something that should be ignored, forgotten about, and swept under the rug.

Emotional Regulation & Riding The Wave

Instead of trying to stop a tantrum, Tamara explains how teaching children that emotions can be tolerated is far more valuable. Rather than chasing their emotions away, face these emotions with them head on.

Teaching your children to tolerate emotions and giving them the space to ride the wave of happiness, sadness, and everything in between is key. But, here’s the catch – this means that you have to tolerate your child’s emotions as well.

It’s hard as a parent to leave space for emotion. But it’s necessary to show your child that when they’re in a storm, you can be their lighthouse. You can guide them, but not pull them in. You’re a lighthouse, not a tug boat.

Modelling good emotional regulation is the best way to teach your kids.

All you can do is put out an invitation to use strategies to help them ride the emotional waves. Work with your child to brainstorm some strategies or ideas that you can offer them when they’re in the middle of a stormy tantrum.

At first, they might reject these strategies at the peak of their emotional moment, but over time you’ll see your child accepting the invitation to use these tools more and more.

The most important thing? Recognizing that your child’s brain is simply not developed enough yet to have the capacity to emotionally regulate.

Here’s how to help:

Plant the seeds of tools and strategies
Give the space to let your child find what works for them
Model what you want to see in times of emotion
Watch and over time those seeds will start to take root

Give Yourself Grace

Now you have all these tools to go be the best lighthouse parent and your kid is never going to have another tantrum again! Easier said than done!

Even as psychologists who know these strategies can have a tough time implementing them with our own kids. In short, not only do you have to be patient with your child, you have to be patient with yourself, too!

It’s a learning experience, and you’re both getting better.

Show Highlights

[02:01] How Tamara decided to choose the career path of parenting.

[05:45] Why modeling behavior is a keystone to good parenting.

[07:50] Moving away from a “top-down” parenting model.

[09:55] Reacting to our children’s behavior.

[13:15] Tips on managing the stress of raising children.

[15:10] How we support our children is important to get good behavior outcomes.

[18:37] Helping our kids flourish but making sure not to micromanage our kids.

[19:35] Talking about and managing emotions with our children.

[25:01] Activities we can use with our children to promote growth.

[28:39] Barriers to accessing the tools we use with our kids.