54: Carrot or Stick? How To Boost Motivation with Dr. Julia King

Want to learn strategies that actually work to get your brain motivated? Find out why it’s so easy to fall off track when it comes to your goals? You’re in the right place, with the right people!

Dr. Julia King joined me on the show this week to talk about everything motivation – that voice in the back of your head that gets your butt in gear and working towards your goals. Whether it’s a project at work, exercise, or just getting off the couch, motivation impacts your success every day.

Julia is a psychologist and yoga teacher, with a mind-body approach to psychotherapy. Her passion is working with folks struggling with anxiety.

“The New Job I Never Thought I Wanted.”

Interesting story, Julia never actually wanted to be a therapist. She had an interest in forensic psychology and criminal justice, and worked as a forensic psychologist for an entire decade!

And then… she took yoga teacher training and it changed her life.

Julia started yoga training with the goal of improving her own practice and diving deeper into the philosophy of yoga. But she found herself intrigued by the ways what she had learned in graduate school about behaviour change really overlapped with yoga philosophy. A perfect match!

The result? Julia developed a clinical practice that combined both. That was Julia’s farewell to forensic psychology, and the rest is history.

As Julia started working with clients in this new therapeutic setting, she realized it was a match made in heaven.

“People struggling with anxiety are my jam!” says Julia. She had found her true passion.

January 1st – Friend or Foe?

Ever set a New Year’s Resolution? You’re pumped and excited January 1st, but by February you’re motivation has fizzled and you’re back on the couch binge watching Netflix? Don’t worry my friend, you’re not alone.

Goals are great to keep your brain on track. But if you’re not reaching your goals, it can feel so frustrating and discouraging!

“Difficulties in goal setting are because we set them for the wrong reasons” Julia says.

Like New Year’s Resolutions. Why are you setting a goal on January 1st? Just because it’s a new year? Because you feel like you “should”?

“You’re setting the goal because of random and arbitrary timing” says Julia, and that’s not helpful! If you’re not internally ready for change, January 1st isn’t going to help you reach that goal.

Ever made any of these common resolutions: I want to…

Lose weight
Get more active
Improve my health

The problem is there are so many factors that impact these goals, and they have nothing to do with January 1st.

A date and time are not good motivators. But it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking “I’m a quitter” or blaming yourself for failing to follow through.

Why do you actually want to reach your goal?

“It’s a matter of asking the right questions” says Julia.

Is it because it’s the new year and I feel like I should be making this goal?

Do I have the right reasons and motivations for this goal?

Stop Saying “Should” – It’s Killing Your Motivation

“There is so much judgement in the word ‘should’” says Julia.

To succeed, you want to set goals from a place of strength and empowerment. Not a place of thinking you need to fix something that’s wrong with you.

Your brain likes to be in control. When you’re living in the world of “should” the pressure to change is external, outside yourself. Your brain is losing that sense of control by feeling like someone else is telling you what to do.

Think of your brain like a toddler. My almost 4-year-old hates being told what to do. So does your brain!

The Comparison Game Sets You Up To Fail

‘I’m doing it because I’m worried about what other people will think’ – If you’re setting goals based on some external standard like the opinions of others, you’re setting yourself up to fail.

Comparing yourself to an external standard is a hamster wheel of negativity.

Here’s why external standards just don’t work:

They might not be achievable
One size doesn’t fit all
They’re not aligned with your “why”
Other people think you should do it vs. you think you should do it

Remember that you’re your own worst critic. Nobody is as hard on you as you are.

The simple answer, says Julia, is that we don’t need to be concerned with what others think. Easier said than done, right?

Instead, stop the comparison game and have a conversation with yourself:

Who are you, genuinely and authentically?
What do you want to achieve?
What’s the best, most authentic way, for you to get there?

When you’ve identified who you are and who you want to be, you can follow your own journey and enjoy it on your way!

No Thanks Vanilla, I’ll Take Extra Sprinkles

When you’re constantly trying to make others like you, you’re robbing yourself of the opportunity to be your authentic and genuine self. This can hold you back from your goals.

When Julia was leaving forensic psychology, she was worried what people would think. She was successful in forensic psychology, and she was stressing that others would think she abandoned this stable career to pursue something that wasn’t a sure thing.

Have you ever felt like you had to be a toned-down, bland, boring, vanilla version of yourself because you were worried about what other people think? You wanted to blend into what everyone else was doing so you turned down your sparkle to fit in.

This actually takes a crazy amount of energy to try to be someone you’re not.

When it comes to your goals, don’t be vanilla! Be that double scoop of bubble-gum with extra sprinkles and pursue the goals that will make you the happiest version of you.

Carrot & Stick – Which Works Better?

Which is better, the carrot or the stick? Julia explains how the carrot and the stick actually represent two different goals entirely.

Carrot = approach oriented goals. This means that you’re working towards something positive (snacking on the carrot).

Stick = avoidant oriented goals. This means that you’re working away from something negative (being whacked by the stick).

The answer? “Research suggests that we are better able to achieve our goals if we’re working from a carrot mentality” says Julia.

Why? Because we want to work towards something positive.

Shift your mindset. Instead of saying to yourself, “I need to go to the gym because I’m lazy and fat” (the stick), you focus on the carrot. “I want to go to the gym so I can keep up with my kiddos in the backyard”.

“We’re more likely to achieve our goals if we orient ourselves from a place of self-compassion instead of self-criticism” Julia says.

Anchor positivity in your goal setting. Why do you want to accomplish your goal?

Because you want to…

Have a successful business so you can have freedom and flexibility in your life
Cross that finish line of that marathon in the best shape of your life
Chase after your kiddos in the backyard until the sun goes down

Can you picture it? Can you feel how that would feel?

It’s not all fluffy and rainbows, it’s a real goal for real reasons, and that’s what makes it so motivating.

Need more reasons to use self-compassionate motivation?

It’s easier than what you’ve been doing
It actually works
Makes you feel good about yourself
Leaves you feeling empowered

Boost Your Success By Tying Your Goals To Your Values

We’ve talked a lot about the “why”, but it’s equally as important to talk about the “who”.

Who do you want to be?
How do you want to live?
How do you want to identify yourself?

One of Julia’s favourite quotes is by James Clear: “You want your behaviour to be a vote for the person you want to become”

This means you tie together your goals to not only the person that you are, but also with the person you want to become.

Fill in the blank: I am a person who ______.

You can fill the blank in with anything you want. It’s a values-based answer.

For example, “I am a person who values my body, and moves my body regularly.”

Pro tip: If you start talking about yourself in future oriented way, it guides your decision making.

There’s a fancy word in psychology called dissonance. It means that when we’re doing something that doesn’t agree with us as a person. We feel icky because our actions don’t line up with our values.

BUT –You can shift your values about yourself and choose your goals. Then when you’re doing things that don’t align with your goals and values you’ll start to feel that icky feeling. Like training yourself to have a built in BS meter!

Ask yourself this:

What are your values and what’s most important to you?
What are you doing about it? How are you living those values?

Start prioritizing values in your life! Find your values, and then find ways to shift your behaviour to reflect those values in your life.

When we tie our goals to our values we’re way more likely to follow through.

“I am a person who values my body and moves regularly”.

When you fall off the wagon your brain will alert you with that BS-meter. Stop walking daily like you committed to doing? Your brain is going to sound the alarms…

“This doesn’t match my value of moving regularly, time to get my walking shoes on”.

Your motivation will go up. And you’ll be more likely to get the exercise you want.

Tying It All together

Start with accepting your starting place – Assess where you are, and accept this non-judgmentally
Set your goal in a way that you’re moving towards something positive – Choose your carrot!
Anchor your goals in your identity – Make your value statements like “I am a person who ___” and make the connection between your goals and who you are as a person
Try to capture your goal with positive language and imagery and use that as motivation!

Show Highlights

[01:51] How Julia became a therapist after never intending to get into therapy.

[04:51] Why we struggle with goal-setting and reaching our goals.

[08:11] Danger of using the world “should.”

[11:05] Goals that aren’t appropriate for you and what you can do about them.

[12:35] Reviewing your goals - are you being too hard on yourself?

[13:40] Creating your own path to your individual goals.

[16:02] Does the stick or carrot approach work better for goal-setting?

[18:35] Using self-compassion to achieve our goals.

[25:01] Gear your values and behavior toward the person you want to become.

[29:00] The importance of accepting your starting place.

Subscribe Today!