135: 2 Keys to Stay Present and Enjoy What You’re Doing

2 keys to stay present and enjoy what you’re doing

Ever noticed your brain is constantly focused on what’s next?

Maybe you’re working on a project at work and you’re thinking about that phone call you need to make when you’re done.

Or you’re trying to enjoy family time at home, but your brain keeps drifting to the next activity you want to do with your kids, or what you need to tidy up around your home.

Today I’ll explain why this tendency to always be thinking about what’s next is a habit our brains have learned, one that was designed to keep us safe, but in our modern world it can prevent us from enjoying the moment. And it makes us feel like we’re always waiting for the next thing.

Plus I’ll share two actionable strategies you can start using today to bring your focus back and be present so you stop feeling so rushed and behind all the time.

Why our brains love to worry about the future and dwell on the past

The other day I was on a group coaching call for my program Time Warrior Academy and a program member commented that she wishes she could be more present with her kids.

She explained that she’s not necessarily thinking about work when she’s trying to do crafts with her daughter, or watch movies with her family, but her brain struggles to stay focused on the moment. To enjoy where she is.

Instead she’s constantly thinking about the next thing. After we finish this craft I’m going to tidy up then we can go to the park…after we finish this movie I need to get everyone ready for bed and then get this place tidied up.

The end result? She feels distracted, and like she’s always worrying about the next thing. She worries she’s doing a disservice to her family because her mind is somewhere else, and she wants to be able to be more present with her kids, not thinking about what’s next.

If this story sounds familiar, don’t worry my friend, you are not alone.

Our brains are really good at focusing on the future (the what if’s), and the past (reminding us of all our mistakes). And that’s evolutionary. Our brains evolved to keep us safe.

When we remind ourselves about the past - the mistakes we’ve made, or the things we’ve done wrong or wish we could go back and do over, that’s our brains trying to prevent us from making the same mistake again.

But you know if you’ve been listening to this show for a while, that focus on our mistakes doesn't help us in our modern world, and it leads to our inner perfectionist and our inner people pleaser creating a spiral of doubt, uncertainty, and we hold ourselves back.

The same problem happens with your brain’s tendency to worry about the future.

This habit evolved to keep our ancestor’s safe. If I’m good at anticipating what’s going to come next I can avoid the danger. If I’m eating lunch but already thinking about how I'm going to get dinner I”m going to have a better chance of surviving (at least 10 000 years ago).

We aren’t in the same life or death battle with food most of the time in our modern world, but our brains still react the same way.

We’re thinking about the future as a way to reduce our stress and worry. When I’m thinking about what’s next I can plan for the next thing. But the thing is, this keeps us removed from the moment.

It means we end up feeling constantly behind and rushed. And it can be one contributor to burnout for high achievers.

Ever get stuck in the “Sunday Scaries?”

Have you heard about the “sunday scaries” before?

Basically it’s the feeling of dread you start to get on sunday before you go back to work monday.

Thinking about all the things waiting for you on your desk. All the projects you have to do, calls to return, and before you’re even back to work you start to feel behind!

Same thing happens to our brains on vacation.

There’s research that we’re happiest the day before we leave on vacation, then as we’re on vacation that happiness declines, until the last day when we start to get those sunday scaries in full force and can’t even enjoy our last vacation day. Ever noticed this in your own life?

Because our brains are great at focusing on the future, the anticipation of a vacation or a weekend makes our brains feel good. But once that vacation starts, we start to think about how it’s going to end (because our brains love to focus on the future), and that brings down our excitement, and increases our stress.

And it doesn’t take a big event like a vacation to see this brain default in action. Just like the group member I was mentioning earlier, our brains do this in our daily life too. So it’s hard to stay present and enjoy what you’re doing right now, because your brain is already thinking about the next thing, and how it’s going to end.

I know my brain falls into this default .A while back we had this fun weekend planned with a bunch of activities for our family. Allison and I were going to make cookies to decorate, we had a day at a local petting zoo farm planned with a friend, we were going to have a family movie night at home, and I had some work stuff and chores I wanted to accomplish in between.

I had it all planned out so I wasn’t feeling real time pressure, we had time to get it all done.

But I noticed when we were making cookies I was thinking about all the steps I needed to do to clean up so we could move on to movie night.

During movie night I was thinking about work stuff and brainstorming new ideas for a project, and at the farm I was already thinking about my work week and all the other things that were coming up.

I’ve shared before on the show that once I got my work schedule under control, once I stopped working 60 hour weeks and had a system in place to control my time and energy at work, I still felt burnt out.

Because our brains don't turn off at 5:00. I had carried the same unhelpful habits into my personal life.

Habits my brain had learned from hustle culture about what it means to work hard. Values about success and how I needed to constantly be working on something.

And one of those beliefs is always thinking about what’s next. Planning for the next thing. To always be growing and expanding my skills - which means always looking ahead.

This is a skill I’ve been actively working on the last year. I’m definitely improving, our brains are great at learning when we give them the opportunity.

But I know my brain’s default is to struggle to be present in the moment. To enjoy what I’m doing right now, without thinking about all the other stuff I want to get done.

2 keys to bring your brain’s focus back to the present

You might be wondering how I’m doing this. How I’m training my brain to get present in the moment. To focus on what I’m currently doing. ANd to stop worrying about all the other stuff. Let me share two keys to this process.

Key #1 When you catch yourself thinking about your to-do list or the next task on your list while you’re trying to enjoy the moment, while you’re trying to be present and focused, approach those thoughts without judgment.

Here’s what tends to happen in our brains for us high achievers when we feel like we’re doing something wrong…my brain says “oh look i’m distracted again, i can’t even stay focused, what’s wrong with me, i’m supposed to be enjoying this time with my family, i’m such a failure as a mom, how come i can’t even relax properly” Sound familiar?

That rant is coming from your inner perfectionist. That inner mean girl who loves to criticize and tell you that you’re not enough.

But the problem with this response of judging yourself or criticizing yourself for doing something wrong is it activates the emotional centers of your brain.

That amygdala jumps in in response to those thoughts of self doubt and criticism and ramps your body up. Your body responds with stress. You get tense, your stomach gets upset, you start clenching your jaw, you feel antsy and uncomfortable, and that physical response sends signals back to your brain that something is in fact wrong, which keeps that emotional response, that stress response activated in your brain, and your thoughts spiral even more.

Which makes it even harder to focus in the moment because your brain has more distractions!

Instead - the goal is to notice you’re distracted and treat that distraction as an action. Something that happened. Not something about you as a person.

Notice you’re distracted and think “oh I’m distracted, I want to bring my focus back, how can I do that”.

Instead of “i’m distracted that means I’m a failure” distraction is just a thing that happens to all of us. If we think about distractions in this way, as something that happens not a sign of personal failure, our emotional brian isn’t going to be triggered.

So you’ll have more brain resources to problem solve and take action.

Key #2 - bring your focus back using your senses.

Now that you’ve avoided the emotional doubt spiral of judgment by viewing that distraction as an event, not a personal failure, bring your focus back to the task at hand by engaging your senses.

The first way your brain gets information from your surroundings is through your senses. Touch, sight, hearing, smell, taste. Then that information is interpreted by other areas of your brain (which leads us to helpful or not helpful thoughts about the situation).

When we can bring our focus back to our senses, it can refocus your brain away from those thoughts, from whatever is distracting you, and back to the current task. Sometimes this is referred to as grounding if you’ve heard that term before.

Here’s a quick overview of how this works.

Say I'm trying to do crafts with Allison and I’m thinking about how I need to pack up soon and take her to her dance class. I notice those thoughts and, without judging myself, recognize I want to refocus and be present.

So I draw my focus to my senses.

First pay attention to what you see. I turn my focus to the drawing she's making, noticing the colors, I might ask her questions about it to fully pull my brain back to the moment.

Then I focus on my hearing. What she says in response. Listening and focusing on her stories, which allows my brain to block out that internal chatter about all the other stuff I need to do.

Then I can focus on my sense of touch. Notice the floor under my feet, or the feeling of the chair under me and so on.

This works because when we shift our brain’s focus to our senses it’s very tangible for our brain. Something our brains can really focus on, rather than the less tangible constant internal chatter in our brains. And when we actively focus on our senses, it brings your brain’s attention systems back to the moment.

Quick warning - it’s normal to lose focus again and to have to repeat this process often.

Our brains have a lot going on. They get distracted. And your brain’s default is to focus on the future, or the past. It takes practice to bring your focus back to the moment.

To learn to be present when you’re doing things for fun like hobbies or spending time with family, or just relaxing. Because our brains aren’t used to doing this!

It’s a skill that takes practice, but the more you practice this strategy the easier it will get.

Episode bonus resources

This episode is brought to you by my free workbook - your daily productivity checklist - Ever wished you had more time in your day? This free workbook will walk you through the steps I use to set up my day to maximize productivity so you can get more done in your day (without feeling totally overwhelmed or staying up all night to squeeze it all in!) Download your copy of Your Daily Productivity checklist at https://www.drnicolebyers.com/checklist

Episode takeaways

Remember, our brains evolved to keep us safe. But some of those default responses, like constantly focusing on what’s next and forgetting to enjoy the moment, don’t always help us in the modern world.

Plus the values we’ve learned from hustle culture add even more pressure to our brains to always be focused on the next thing on our to-do list.

Learning to be present in the moment, and shut off that constant internal chatter, is a skill that takes practice. But your brain is a great learner. It just needs a system and some practice.

Show Highlights

[01:58] - I share the experience of a program member wanting to be more present with her kids.

[02:50] - Our brains are really good at focusing on the future.

[03:36] - The habit of thinking about the future holds us back.

[04:22] - It’s normal, but it makes us feel rushed and always behind.

[05:42] - It’s hard to stay present because your brain is always thinking about the next thing.

[07:10] - I am training my brain to be present in the moment.

[07:49] - Key #1: Notice when you’re distracted and don’t judge yourself.

[10:00] - Key #2: Bring your focus back to your senses.

[11:03] - I give an example of these keys in action.

[12:15] - It’s important to know that this takes practice.

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