134: How to Set Confident Boundaries at Work in 3 Steps

How to set confident boundaries at work with 3 steps

Today we’re talking about boundaries.

I see a lot on social media right now about how important it is to create boundaries for our own health and well being.

And often the recommendations focus on setting boundaries with other people - like your family, colleagues, boss, or even your social media consumption.

But in my experience, for all of us high achievers and recovering perfectionists, the most difficult boundaries to set (and stick to) are the ones we set for ourselves.

Keep reading to hear a recent story where I struggled to stick to a boundary I’d set (and how I spiraled into a pit of self doubt and perfectionism), and how I’m getting more comfortable being consistent with boundaries so I can feel more in control of my energy and my time.

How I struggled to stick to my boundaries (with my inner people pleaser guilting me over my shoulder)

This summer I got asked to hold a date for a client project. I put it in my schedule. Blocked the time (you know I’m a fan of blocking the time so that you’re not trying to squeeze things in last minute).

And then the weeks went by and I heard nothing. No confirmation from my client about whether they needed the date or not.

I have a 5 business day cancellation policy in my clinical practice. All my clients know that.

So when I hadn’t heard anything about a week and a half before the date I sent a follow up email asking what’s up and do I still need to hold this. Got no response for a couple days, then they finally email back and say we’ll let you know by friday (which was exactly one week in advance).

So basically to meet my 5 business day notification deadline, they needed to tell me first thing Friday morning.

I’d heard nothing again by Friday afternoon, so one of my team members and I decided we would book the next Friday for professional development instead. There was an interesting talk happening the following Friday, and we agreed since we hadn’t heard anything back from this client, we’d book the time and sign up.

I moved my schedule around. Booked my spot in this training. And went on with my day.

Then later that day (after 4:00 on a Friday afternoon) I get an email from the client confirming they still want the day….

And my first response for my inner perfectionist and inner people pleaser was to say fine. Let them have the date (even though it was outside my boundary of 5 full business days and I had already agreed to attend something else that would have to be canceled).

But this isn’t my first rodeo of me bending over backwards because I feel like I should be making time in my schedule for someone else. So I forced myself to take a hard look at the thoughts and beliefs my brain was throwing at me to guilt me into saying yes.

Why it’s hard for me to say “no” to extra work

One set of unhelpful beliefs my brain has learned that keep me saying yes to things at work when I really want to say no are the beliefs and values I have around my expectations for success including beliefs about money and how I want my business to succeed.

I often guilt myself into saying yes to extra work when I get into a bad head space financially. When I start to worry that my business isn’t hitting key metrics that I’ve set for myself

Metrics which too be honest, are totally pulled out of nowhere sometimes - I’ve created this vision in my mind of what I think it means when my business is successful and part of that is me working a lot and seeing lots of clients so I don’t have to worry about finances.

I end up saying yes to extra client work especially when I’m in a bad mindset about money. When I’m feeling pressured in any way about finances (like if we have an unexpected expense, or I look at my business books and they’re not as good as last year - even though the logical part of my brain knows there are many reasons for this that are out of my control like a pandemic and inflation and so many other things).

The emotional part of my brain guilts me into saying yes so I can live up to some standard I’ve created for myself about what it means to be successful.

And I know when I get into that mindset if I’m honest with myself it’s never going to be enough.

There’s no magic number that will make me feel financially secure enough to start saying no. Because the real pressure isn’t about the dollars per say, it’s about my beliefs around hard work and success.

Another reason my brain has trouble saying no to extra work is I worry about letting others down.

This was a good client I’d worked with for years, but they do know my guidelines. I was still worried they’d stop referring to me if I say no, then I’ll end up with no clients, and broke, and my business will fail, and what does that say about me - that i’m not good enough, that I’m a failure. So I feel this pressure to say yes.

Why our brains guilt us into overworking

And these are pretty common reactions for us high achievers and recovering perfectionists.

Our brains guilt us into saying yes. Because we want to succeed. We want to be able to do it all. To reach these often unrealistic standards we’ve set for ourselves.

So often as high achievers it’s not necessarily about making others happy (although that inner people pleaser is definitely part of the equation) more often it’s about the standards we set for ourselves.

That nagging inner perfectionist makes us feel like a failure when we say no, that we’re not measuring up.

Or because we like to challenge ourselves we want to do that extra thing!

This was a client I like working with, on a project that's interesting to me, and I often get pulled into over working and overscheduling myself when its’ something I'm interested in doing. I want to give that extra talk, or write that extra article, or plan a craft night for me and allusion…our brains have these default responses.

And those responses are learned through our experiences.

Experiences we had when we’re younger. What we learned about hard work and success from watching our families, friends, and teachers.

And also the beliefs we learn from hustle culture - that success is hustling and working all the time, that if you rest you’re lazy or you don’t want it enough.

And those beliefs get activated when we’re put in these situations where we’re forced to make a choice. Do we say yes to the extra work even though we’re stretched thin, or do we respect our own boundaries and say no.

I mentioned that inner people pleaser who also loves to get in on the action and create guilt and pressure in your mind. Because our brains are designed to care what other people think.

It mattered to our ancestors if other people liked us. It helped us survive. And our brains still react the same way.

So we worry when we say no to a request we’ll let someone down, or upset them, or they’ll judge us…and those thoughts spiral into guilt and pressure to say yes.

How I built the confidence to stick to my boundaries at work

And that’s exactly what happened to me. Here’s what I did about it.

Step #1 I stopped myself from immediately replying. Because my go to default response was to say yes. So I gave my brain space.

The first reaction your brain has is going to be emotional. Those emotional centers of your brain are fast. That limbic system reacts almost without us even being aware.

So the default response of your brain is going to be to avoid anything uncomfortable (at least in the short term). As a high achiever your brain wants to say yes. Because it’s easier initially. Saying yes means I don’t have to deal with the guilt of saying no. I don’t have to worry that I'm not good enough or that someone will be upset with me.

Giving space, not replying or agreeing right way, allows those emotional centres of your brain to relax, and gives the higher thinking areas of your brain a chance to problem solve.

Step 2 - I reminded my brain of the long term consequences of saying yes.

One was that I would have to tell my colleague we couldn't’ go to the training anymore. I’d have to tell her no, to something i already agreed to. So i’m not only breaking my word to myself, I’m breaking my word to her. And that’s not okay with me.

I also reminded myself that every time I say yes, I'm saying no to something else.

I’d have to make time for that extra work now. And you know what I'd cut, yeah stuff for me. Self care, exercise, eating not at my desk. I’m the first thing I cut off my priority list when I get overwhelmed, which is what leads us to burnout.

And I reminded myself how mad I was going to be in a week when this appointment happened. I’ve been here before. I was going to be mad at myself for saying yes when it meant breaking a boundary, I was going to feel a bit resentful of the client for feeling pressured to say yes (even though the pressure totally came from me and I know that), and I was going to feel overwhelmed and stressed.

Your brain is designed to keep you safe.

That means avoiding anything that feel uncomfortable.

Saying no to extra work when that inner perfectionist and inner people pleaser jumps in and tells you that you should be working more feels uncomfortable.

Our brains are quick to focus on the short term. The short term benefits of saying yes, and short term consequences of saying no.

By reminding our brains of the long term consequences of that choice, it can be easier to respect your own boundaries and say no with confidence.

Here’s how to do this exercise in your own life:

The next time you’re asked to take on something extra at work or at home, don't’ answer right away. Give that emotional brain a chance to turn off, and your analytical brain a chance to help.

Pull out a piece of paper and divide it into four parts. In the top two sections write down the reasons your brain does not want to say no. These are the risks of saying no, and the benefits of saying yes.

For example - risks of saying no to my client are they might not work with me anymore, I’d lose the income, it might impact my reputation in the community, i might never get another client again (even though I know these seem far fetched, your brain is having these thoughts, write them all down, don't’ judge the thoughts)

Benefits of saying yes = keep my client happy, i get the extra money, i keep getting referrals

Then on the bottom two sections write down all the reasons you want to say no. These are the benefits of saying no, and the risks of saying yes.

For example - the benefits of saying no to my client is I stuck to my boundaries, i had time for training, i didn’t have to say no to my colleague instead, i had more time for other tasks

Risks of saying yes - I’d feel rushed and overwhelmed, not do a good job, let myself down, let my other colleagues down.

The goal with this exercise is to start training your brain to get out of that default “yes” answer to everything. And to remind your brain of the long term consequences of saying yes all the time.

Bonus Episode resources

This episode is brought to you by my free daily productivity checklist. Ever wished you had more time in your day? This free workbook will walk you through the steps I use to set up my day to maximize productivity so you can get more done in your day (without feeling totally overwhelmed or staying up all night to squeeze it all in!) Download your copy of Your Daily Productivity checklist at https://www.drnicolebyers.com/checklist

Episode takeaways

Okay let’s do a quick recap. It’s hard to say no to extra work and be consistent with boundaries we set with ourselves and others as high achievers because our brains want to say yes.

Because it feels more comfortable in the short term. It’s easier to say yes rather than worry about all the what ifs of saying no.

But over the long term, that’s how we end up burning out, with jam packed schedules, and frustrated with how time feels totally out of our control.

And you learned an exercise to turn off your brain’s default emotional response, and get your brain focused on why learning to say no more often is actually going to help you reach your goals faster.

Show Highlights

[02:02] - I share an experience that forced me to stick to my boundaries.

[03:48] - The beliefs I have around my expectations for success keep me saying yes.

[06:08] - Most of the time, this feeling comes from the standards we set for ourselves.

[07:10] - Our beliefs are activated when we are put in a decision-making situation.

[07:56] - Step 1: Stop yourself from immediately responding.

[08:51] - Step 2: Think about the long term consequences to saying yes or no.

[10:05] - Saying no to extra work feels uncomfortable sometimes.

[11:19] - Step 3: Write down your thoughts about the benefits and risks.

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