114: How I Built Confidence After My Embarrassing Failure

Failure is the worst!

It feels terrible when you’ve worked so hard for something and you have a set back… or your plans turn into a dumpster fire of a disaster.

But here’s the tough part, failure isn’t avoidable. It’s going to happen, especially if you’ve set big goals for yourself.

In this episode I’ll share 4 steps to get your brain out of the spiral of self-doubt, judging yourself, and wanting to hide under your bed after you mess up… so you have the courage and confidence to take action, bounce back from failure, and keep going towards your goals (even when you feel like a mess). Okay let’s dive in.

The Most Embarrassing Failure Of My Life…

I’ve always been a bit of an overachiever. Especially in anything school related.

I did what was expected of me. Studied hard. Put 100% into school projects (most of them at least, there were definitely classes where I wasn’t as strong and lost interest). But the point is I’m no stranger to working hard.

And growing up, like a lot of us, I believed that if I worked hard I would succeed. And that belief served me well for a long time, until I had the most embarrassing failure of my life, and had to rethink everything I knew about hard work and who I was as a person.

Sounds a bit dramatic I know. And looking back I have more perspective. But at the time it felt like my world was ending, I was sent into a doubt spiral feeling like a giant failure, and I wasn’t sure I was cut out to be in grad school anymore. Let me explain.

I was fortunate that school came pretty easy to me. Not every class, I had to work my butt off to get through high school biology, which I think actually made me love science even more, but that’s a story for another day.

I got into university, floundered around for a couple of years not quite sure what I wanted to do with my life, but still did well in most of my courses.

And by the time I decided I wanted to study psychology and neuroscience and got into grad school, I felt that I was on track.

I wasn’t the top of my class. I did have to work hard all through grad school. But I always followed what I thought was the right path:

Worked hard in my classes,
stayed on track with my dissertation research,
worked in my windowless research lab all summer while my classmates were out having fun and enjoying themselves,
I volunteered for extra credit and experience
I did all the things I was told I should do to be successful.

At the end of grad school we have to pass a big exam called a dissertation defence (I’ve told the story of that disaster before on the show, where I had to staple my pants together and a million other things went wrong but I did end up passing).

The other big hurdle before graduation is to apply to a residency.

So here I was. Doing all the right things. Working hard. Doing what I felt I was supposed to do. And it was time to apply for residency programs.

I was feeling confident. Filled out my applications, sent them out, waited for the phone calls to come in saying where I was matched…and it didn’t come. I didn’t get a residency placement the first time I applied. And I was CRUSHED.

I was the first student ever in the history of my program not to match with a residency. It felt horrible.

Yes there were things that were out of my control and a little bad luck (there were a record number of applicants that year and I found out later that a supervisor I thought I had a good relationship with apparently didn’t like me and wrote me a less than flattering reference), but all I thought at the time was that I had failed.

My brain was going into that spiral of self doubt, criticizing and judging myself and feeling horrible.

I remember thinking that I had not only failed myself I’d failed my program, my supervisors, and my family who had all worked so hard to support me.

That it meant I wasn’t smart enough to be a psychologist, and that I’d wasted 10 years in university and I was never going to be good enough… ugh it was the worst.

Then My Supervisor Told Me Failure Was Good (and my jaw dropped!)

Then to rub salt on my wounds I had a supervisor come to me one day while I was trying not to cry about how my life was imploding…

… she looked at me right in the eyes and said “Nicole, I think not matching was the best thing that could have happened to you.”

My jaw dropped to the floor and I’m pretty sure I was blinking back tears.

WTF, I remember thinking, is this supposed to be a pep talk???

Thankfully she kept pushing me and explained.

She asked if I’d ever really failed at anything before. And I thought about it and realized the answer was no. I wasn’t the top of my class but anything I’d worked for I’d been successful at. I got into university, then grad school, and I’d done well in all my classes. And this insightful supervisor explained to me that was a bad thing if I really wanted to be successful.

Um, what? Shouldn’t I keep succeeding if I want to reach my goals? How is failing helping me?!

She gave me fantastic advice and I still remember this conversation over 10 years later.

She said Nicole you’ve never really had to bounce back from setbacks, from failure, and that is a skill that will serve you throughout your life. You have to fail to learn how to get back up. To learn how to embrace the suck, all those crappy feelings that are totally normal when you mess up, and decide what you want to do next. Do you rebound? Or quit?

At the time I vaguely understood what she was saying. I still felt like a giant loser, but it did help me keep going.

It forced me to take a look at some of the reasons I’d failed with my first application, what I could control and what I couldn’t, and fix the stuff that was in my control. I got extra experiences, got better at advocating for why I’m a great candidate on my application, and I got a fantastic residency placement the next year that was one of the best years of my life.

The Goal Isn’t To Avoid Failure (as tempting as that might feel)

I still feel uncomfortable talking about this failed application. It’s hard to write about it or talk about it. Because it still brings up all those feelings of failure, of not being good enough, and that sucks.

It’s no fun failing. It feels pretty junky to work as hard as you can and still not succeed. No one wants to feel that.

But my supervisor was right. I did learn about myself and was stronger after this experience. Not because I failed, but because I got to practice bouncing back from failure.

And let me tell you I’ve failed a lot since then. I now joke that I’m an expert failure.

Especially since starting my own business I have had a ton of failed ideas. Projects I thought were amazing but went up in flames and were a total bust.

I do believe the skills I learned all those years ago make it easier for me to bounce back now. Doesn’t mean I’m cool with failing, I’m not, it sucks and hurts a lot. It still brings out my inner perfectionist and inner people pleaser who feels like a huge loser. But I’m better and embracing those feelings, and getting back on track.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret I learned from that supervisor – the goal isn’t to avoid failing. That’s not possible.

While I suppose you could avoid failure, but that means never taking any chances. It means never making that call to apply for that promotion you know you would be perfect for, never saying hi to that person that could change your life, never going after any of your goals. And I’m pretty sure if you’re listening to this podcast, you know that’s not the life for you.

This is The Bold Life, not the play it safe and never take risks life!

Okay so if the goal isn’t to avoid failure, because we can’t, what can we do? We can get comfortable with embracing failure, and know how to bounce back quicker rather than getting stuck in a doubt spiral or beating yourself up for being a huge failure.

4 Steps To Bounce Back From Failure Faster

Here is my four step process for bouncing back from failure. It works for me and it can work for you too.

Step 1 – Let yourself be sad and disappointed.

This step is important. Failure sucks! It feels horrible. You’re going to doubt yourself, to be mad at yourself, to question whether you have what it takes. That’s normal.

Sometimes in our current culture we get the message that we shouldn’t feel bad, but that’s not true. Those bad emotions are normal and important. We don’t want to ignore them or try and push them away.

The goal is to let ourselves feel crappy for a bit. Trying to immediately put on a happy face uses a ton of brain resources and energy which makes it hard to problem solve and decide what to do next.

Embrace the suck. It's okay to feel disappointed, or frustrated, or angry, or however you feel when something you’ve worked hard for doesn’t work out.

Step 2 – Remind your brain it might not be as bad as it seems

Once you’ve given yourself time to feel disappointed, we want to get your brain out of the cycle of doubt.

It’s okay to feel disappointed, but we don’t want you beating yourself up for the next year and feeling stuck.

In step 2 we’re going to get your brain to take a more realistic look at the situation. Things might not be as bad as you think.

Our brains are super good at coming up with all the negatives, the reasons this failure is going to be a disaster.

When I didn’t match for residency my brain was quick to come up with all the reasons this was the end of my career.

But we often overestimate the bad parts, and underestimate the parts that are going well. For example, yes it sucked that I didn’t match, but I learned after that there were some parts that were out of my control, and it did give me information on where to focus my energy to try again.

For step 2, pull out a sheet of paper and divide it in half. On one side, let your brain write down all the disaster stories it’s telling. Everything that feels awful. I’ve failed, I messed up, my boss is going to be mad at me, I wasted so much time and energy… all those negatives.

Now you’re going to force your brain to find some balance. On the other side, write down any lessons learned, how this could be a good thing. How you can make lemons out of lemonade.

You don’t need to feel totally happy after this exercise, the goal is to get your brain thinking about something other than worst case scenarios. Because then our thinking shifts from disaster mode, to problem solving mode.

Step 3 – Make a plan.

Plans help us feel in control, especially after a failure or setback because right now your brain does not feel in control.

What can you actually do? What is in your control?

When I didn’t match for residency I couldn't control that outcome, but I could find some new clinical experiences to make my resume stronger. And I could practice my writing and interviewing skills so I was a stronger applicant next time.

What can you do? Make a plan.

Step 4 – take action. Even if it’s hard.

Any action will help your brain build confidence. Instead of staying stuck in doubt and lacking confidence, action tells your brain you are building momentum.

We build courage and confidence with action. So take a step. Any step. Put one step of your plan into action. Not only will this help you make progress, it will stop your brain from criticizing you and feeling like such a mess.

Bonus episode resource - The Time Freedom Toolkit

This episode is brought to you by The Time Freedom Toolkit. Want to get your to-do list under control and actually get stuff done… without juggling a million things at once, having no clue where to start, and feeling busy all the time? This toolkit has 5 video lessons, 2 daily templates and one meditation exercise to help you ditch that overwhelming to-do list, stop procrastinating and putting things off until “tomorrow”, and have the confidence knowing you have the skills and strategies to get stuff done every day. All for just $27. You can learn more at www.drnicolebyers.com/toolkit

Key Takeaways

Failure happens. If you’re a go getter with big goals for yourself in your career, there are going to be setbacks. That’s normal. And it’s normal to feel bad when things don’t work out.

The goal is to get your brain focused again after these setbacks, so instead of beating yourself up or holding yourself back, you have the confidence to dust yourself off and try again, especially when it feels hard to do. That’s how you build confidence and resilience.

Show Highlights

[01:37] I’ve always been a bit of an overachiever and I believed that working hard equals success.

[03:50] Listen as I share one of my biggest failures.

[05:37] Why not matching for any residencies was the best thing that could have happened to me.

[07:27] It’s hard for me to talk about this one big experience, but it really has been so important for my life.

[09:40] My four step process for bouncing back from failure.

[11:29] A quick exercise you can do to balance your feelings after failure.

[13:58] Your episode recap.

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