Is It Time to Stop Saving the World and Focus on Yourself
I want to tell you a story about a great friend who always puts everyone else before herself. Let’s call her Sally. Sally is a wonderful friend. Every time I talk to her she is involved in helping others, collecting clothes and food for those in need, being a supportive ear for a friend, stepping in to look after a friend’s dog when they are out of town, and she throws incredible parties for her family (like every detail coordinated and themed, I could never put on a party like her!). Her friends and family love her, and Sally loves helping those around her. I’m really not sure if she sleeps, she seems superhuman. But Sally struggles with her health. You would never know that she’s in pain but her stomach is always upset, she has headaches all the time, and her shoulders are constantly tense and knotted. Sally comes from a good place when she wants to save the world, she genuinely loves helping others, but she is constantly ignoring her own needs and so her body is starting to force her to pay attention by developing physical symptoms. Let me explain why it’s important to put ourselves first if we ever want to truly help those around us.
Hands up if this sounds like you. You’re the person that everyone goes to when something goes wrong, The person that your friends and family go to when they need help. The person that everyone describes as “the rock” or “the strong one”. You always put everyone else first and would never dream of saying no when someone asks for a favor, you couldn’t imagine letting them down. If this sounds like you then you are what I like to call a Caregiver Personality.
Caregivers are amazing people. Like Sally, they are always there to help others. Nothing makes them happier than being able to make someone’s day a little better, or seeing a smile when they’ve been able to help out a friend. Caregivers are also the ones most likely to ignore their own needs, which can lead to trouble both emotionally and physically.
When we are always focused on everyone else, we can fall into the trap of ignoring our own stress. Imagine your stress limit like a bottle. If I’m taking on everyone else’s crap and stress all the time my bottle is getting more and more full, and eventually it will overflow when my brain no longer has enough resources to manage my own stress.
The dilemma for Caregivers is that because we tend to be so focused on others, we ignore these warning signs our bodies give us that we are getting to our limit until things boil over the top. Our minds and bodies end up totally overwhelmed, and because we aren’t paying attention our brains force us to notice what’s going on by developing physical somatic symptoms. Caregivers are prone to symptoms like stomach upset, tension headaches, and fatigue. These symptoms are called somatic symptoms, which is just a fancy way of saying physical symptoms that our body develops as a reaction to stress. Basically your brain is saying “you’re not going to take time for me, well then I will force you to take a break by developing a headache, stomach problems, or other pain”. Now you have to pay attention!
But who wants to get to that point where our brains throw out the white flag and force us to take a break? No thanks! The good news is that the first step is knowing that we are Caregivers. Recognizing this tendency to put everyone else first and that this might be taking a toll on our own bodies and minds. If that still sounds selfish let me ask you this, how can you possibly help your family and friends if you’re not in the best physical and mental shape possible? How can I help my family and be the go-to person if my body is running on empty? I can’t. I can’t change the world if my body or mind are shutting down on me.
My advice is this. Remember that self care is the first step in helping others. A healthy me means I have enough resources to help the world.