How To Train Your Brain to Stop Fearing Rejection

You don’t fear failure, you fear being judged for failing.

I paraphrased that from something I read recently. The author makes an interesting point, hey? What if it’s not fear of failing that holds us back from taking risks, but it’s the fear that we will be judged by others if we fail? The fear that our family, friends, social media, the world will think less of us. That’s what holds us back from success.

It got me thinking about my own fears and what’s holding me back. One of my least favorite things in the world to do is talk on the phone. I would so much rather talk to someone in person. Even video chat is better than traditional phone conversation in my books! I used to think it was because I like to see how someone is reacting to what I say, which is true. But the more I thought about why I hate talking on the phone I realized something new. I don’t hate talking to my friends or family on the phone. That’s no problem. So I started thinking about situations when I don’t like calling someone.

For me the easiest way to tell that I don’t like something is find when I’m procrastinating. The types of calls I avoid making are calls to people I haven’t met before (typically new clients that I am trying to book, or new leads I’m following up on), or to people I know but I need to ask for something new (like for their help with something). What is it about those situations that makes me avoid them like I avoid the sun in August with my very pale skin? It’s the fear of REJECTION!

Hear my out on this one. If I am having to call someone new or ask for something new on the phone I am usually worried they are going to say no, or they will get angry for some reason, or react negatively. So I thought to myself, well if this is holding me back I better figure out how to fix it, so I hit up Google to find a book on how to build my confidence.

I came across the wonderful book “Rejection Proof: How I Beat Fear and Became Invincible Through 100 Days of Rejection” by Jia Jiang. It’s just as funny as the title suggests and apparently he made a video blog of all of his rejection attempts if you’re more of a visual learner. Here’s the background to the book. Jia had the goal his whole life of starting a business and being an entrepreneur. So one day he decides to quit his job and following his dream with an idea for an app. He puts 6 months of work into the development of this app and is really proud and excited about what he’s made. He goes before an investor, makes his pitch, and gets shot down. He’s devastated! He worked so hard for this dream only to be told no by the first person he pitches the idea to.

Thankfully for us this is not where the story ends. He decides he never again wants to feel the sharp stab of rejection and goes out into the world to train his brain to not be afraid of being told no. He decides to do 100 experiments where he asks for crazy things in the hopes of getting shot down so he can build resilience and mental toughness so he no longer is afraid of being told no. As you can imagine, it’s hilarious. He talks about his first attempt where he goes up to the security guard at his office and asks to borrow $100. The guard responds “No, why” then Jia runs off sweating and panting to hide until he calms down. What I liked about this book was that Jia wasn’t always turned down, even though sometimes he made crazy requests (like asking a stranger if he could take a picture in his backyard playing soccer). And he also learns from his experiences because he re-watches his attempts. Like the first experiment, when he was watching it back he realizes the security guard didn’t just say no, he said “no, why”. So in future attempts he starts to follow up with the initial No using strategies to improve his odds and get some Yes’s. It’s all very interesting and he does give some tips on negotiating. But that’s not what I liked most about the book.

I liked most some of the things he learned about rejection and how our brains work. Jia talks about the fear of rejection being universal and evolutionary. That’s right, there is a biological purpose to us being terrified of being rejected. Part of the reason that we as humans are so successful in this world (despite being physically scrawny in the animal kingdom) is our ability to form social groups. Banding together allows us to share resources, to build defences, and to develop advances much more quickly than we ever could on our own. In order to work effectively in a group we have to avoid getting kicked out of the group. Think of it like Survivor or Big Brother. We need alliances to survive. If my brain is paying tons of attention to any signs that I might be pissing off another member of the group, this is a good thing in evolutionary terms. Then I can change my behaviour so I’m not the next one evicted. It is helpful to be afraid of rejection.

BUT, like with most of our brain’s learned skills sometimes this can work against us. If we are always afraid someone is going to say no we are going to stop asking. How can we expect to keep moving toward our goals if we are always terrified of being told no?

The good news is we can train our brains to be better at rejection. Just like Jia did with his 100 days of rejection attempts. By the end he was much more confident when making outrageous requests, he was no longer scared he would be turned down (because he knew that sometimes it would take multiple requests to get a yes and he had learned other strategies to increase his odds), and he was actually getting better results because of what he learned.

Check out the book. Or he has a vlog where you can actually see some of his edited rejection attempts. The book is hilarious and it might be the first step in building your own rejection proof armour!