141: 1 Reason Self-Care Doesn’t Work For High Achievers

One reason self care doesn’t work for high achievers

The other day I saw a post on instagram from a colleague that made me stop and think.

The post was about why high achievers struggle so much with self care.

We’ve talked on the show before about how it’s hard for us as high achievers with big goals to put ourselves first every once in a while, which is definitely part of the problem.

But my colleague also mentioned how for us high achievers our brains can fall into the default of approaching self care as a task, something to check off the to-do list, so it starts to feel like more work, rather than something that recharges your batteries.

And it made me reflect on one of my big goals for 2022, reading 50 books, and the times throughout the year where that goal, something I love, reading, started to feel like a chore.

On this week’s episode of the bold life I’ll share how I started to dread reading, a simple strategy I used to rewire my brain and bring back that joy (instead of feeling like reading was something I should do), and how you can use this strategy in your own life to train your brain to think about self-care differently, so you have the mental resources you need to stay motivated on your biggest goals. Okay let’s dive in.

How My “Fun” Goal Started to Feel Like a Chore

A few weeks ago I shared on the podcast how I checked a goal off my bucket list in 2022 that I thought I’d have to wait until I retired to do…read 50 books in a year. Check out episode 139 if you want to see the full list of books I read (actually I added on a few more over the holidays, so the final total was 53 for the year).

I was super proud of myself for setting this goal and making the time in my schedule so it would actually happen. It meant shifting my priorities in the evening, and instead of getting sucked into busy work that drained my batteries and didn’t really help me be more productive (like tidying up, or doing other chores around the house) I focused my attention on reading. An activity that I love, and that usually recharges my mind, body, and spirit.

But several times throughout the year something unexpected happened - I noticed I didn’t really like reading that day. It started to feel like something I should be doing, so I could check it off my list and achieve that goal, but it wasn’t recharging me anymore. It wasn’t refreshing my batteries, helping me relax at the end of the day, it started to feel like more work. Like something I had to do. And I gotta admit I was pretty surprised!

I love reading. I always have. Whenever the libraries would open during the pandemic I was one of the first people through the door. I missed my local library more than most other places I go those few months on lockdown. I have shelves of books around my house. My favorite thing to look for at garage sales is a box of used paperbacks. And ever since Allison was born we’ve read to her every night. Regular reading is an important family value in our house, and I love getting pulled into a good book. Whether that’s something non-fiction that makes me see the world in a different way, or a great novel that triggers my imagination and I read well into the night just to see how it ends.

So as you can imagine I was pretty surprised whenever I just couldn't get into reading this year. I’d have a pile of books from the library that I picked out because they looked interesting, or they were already on my reading list, and I just couldn't get started.

Or I’d read a few pages and then put the book down. Yes some of the books weren’t good and that was part of the problem, I’m not someone who has to finish every book I start. There were definitely books this year I started, got a few chapters in and realized I didn’t like the style or the plot or whatever so I set them aside and moved on.

But even if it was a good book from an author I like..I found myself not that excited about reading.

Are You Treating Self Care as One More Thing on Your To-Do List?

I’ve seen this happen a lot for high achievers. Where self care whether that’s reading, or crafting, or exercise, or a nice relaxing bath. Our brains turn that self-care activity into another box to check. Another thing to check off the to-do list.

For high achievers, like myself, who struggle with self care, often the culprit is we’re approaching self-care from an achievement or task oriented perspective. Let me explain.

Say you’ve been listening to this podcast for a while and I’ve convinced you as a high achieving busy professional that to truly thrive in your career and have a life you can’t work all the time. You need to put yourself on the to-do list. Or you're going to burn out, and your productivity is going to tank anyway.

You’re on board with the importance of self-care. But remember, our brains have default thinking patterns. Patterns of understanding the world that trigger go to responses. That mental default.

As a high achiever often part of that default is a drive to succeed. You haven’t gotten to where you are in your career by sheer luck right? You put in a lot of work to get there. You put in the hours. Pushed yourself to excel. And that’s a good thing. In some parts of our life at least.

The problem is when our brains start to see everything as something we need to achieve. As a task we need to check off and move onto the next thing.

Ever noticed that as soon as you check something off your to-do list you move right on to the next thing? Even if it's something amazing that you’ve been working on forever. THat big client project finally gets finished. You get that promotion you’ve been working for. You sign your first client in your side hustle. And instead of taking even a moment to congratulate yourself. To celebrate your accomplishment. You move right on to that next thing. Sound familiar? Me too.

I’ve always been very achievement oriented. I have goals. And when I reach them I set new goals. And that’s good. Goals keep our brains motivated.

The problem is when we’re always focused on the next thing, we fail to recognize all the amazing stuff we’ve already accomplished. It becomes really hard to be present in the moment. And true self care requires being focused on the present.

Because true self care is about restoration, rejuvenation, and recharging your mind, body, and spirit. It's not about checking something off your to-do list. ANd when our brains tell us that self care is something that needs to get done, something that should get done, something to check off that never ending to-do list, it starts to feel like a burden. Like another thing you have to do that overwhelms your brain. Instead of self care being about the process and experience of caring for yourself.

How I Brought Back My Joy of Reading

That’s exactly what happened to me with my goal of reading 50 books last year. The joy I got from reading got lost when my brain started to think of reading as something I need to do. I want to get this goal achieved. I want to read 50 books this year, so my brain started to approach it like any other task.

Okay that means I have to read this much a day. No, I can't watch a movie with my family tonight because I'm behind on my reading schedule.

And all of a sudden reading is a should. My brain has gone into overachiever mode. And it’s no longer refreshing or restorative. Reading no longer is an act of self care. It’s become one more thing on my to-do list.

Thankfully this isn’t my first rodeo of noticing my brain slipping back into those defaults of perfectionism, overachieving, and being focused on tasks rather than the process.

Once I noticed I wasn’t enjoying reading anymore, that I was putting pressure on myself to check it off the list, I took a break.

There were some days and even weeks this year I didn’t read. I took a break to remove that internal pressure to read.

And after a few days of doing other self care tasks like crafts with my daughter, or binging Only Murderers in the Building, I wanted to read again. The joy of reading came back.

Important point here - that happened several times last year. Where I lost the focus of reading as self care. Where I started to approach reading like a task I need to check off.

And each time I needed a break. I needed to step away from reading, even if that meant I might not read 50 books.

And you know what happened? I still reached my 50 book goal. And I know those breaks helped. If I had kept pushing myself to keep reading when I was feeling stressed or overwhelmed I would have been slower to read (we all read faster when it’s a good book we’r really into right?).

Just like the importance of taking breaks during the day to refresh our brains that we’ve talked about on this show before, those breaks from tasks can also be a critical part of self care.

Important point number 2 - self care looks different from person to person, and it can look different day to day or week to week.

Some days reading was self care. But other days for me it’s something creative like crafts, or writing, or something with my family like going for a walk or to the park, or a tv marathon of my favorite show. That’s okay.

The key for self care to be truly effective is that you are paying attention to the moment. You’re enjoying the PROCESS, not the outcome. And that after you do the self care task you feel refreshed and rejuvenated.

Your Challenge This Week

Here’s my challenge for you this week. Take 5 minutes, sit down with a paper and pencil and answer this question for yourself - how do I feel right now when I do my self care activities?

Think about what you do weekly just for self care. How do you feel when you do that task? Is it fun? Enjoyable?

Do you feel refreshed, excited, and motivated… or like me and reading has that self care activity started to feel like a chore, something you have to do because you’re supposed ot do self care?

If it’s option 2, mix it up, do something else this week that you enjoy. Or take a week off the focus on self care if you just need a break from that extra thing on your to-do list.

Self care is meant to recharge and refresh your brain. If it’s starting to feel like a should, like something you have to do, it’s not helpful for your brain or your goals.

Show Highlights

[02:15] - My bucket list goal of reading 50 books in a year was achieved in 2022.

[03:09] - After a while, reading stopped recharging me and felt like more work.

[04:51] - Our brains turn our self-care activity into something on our to-do list.

[06:14] - When we check something off the to-do list, we move on to the next thing.

[07:22] - Self-care becomes a burden and the joy gets lost.

[08:34] - Take a break to remove the internal pressure.

[09:41] - Self-care looks different day to day or week to week.

[10:25] - Ask yourself how you feel right now when you do your self-care activities.

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