119: 3 Steps to Stop Overworking Even if You’re a Perfectionist

Welcome back to our special podcast series I’m calling “the Neuroscience of success”. Each week I’ll be sharing a super cool neuroscience or psychology study, and I’ll share how you can use these neuroscience hacks in your own life to build confidence, stop that nagging inner critic, and get more done in your day so you can reach your goals.

In this episode I’ll tell you about a famous and deceptively simple psychology study involving looking at lines on a screen, and what this study taught us about people pleasing, and how we change our behaviors when we’re with other people.

Then I’ll share one mental habit that might be draining your time and energy, worrying what everyone else thinks, and my step by step system to start saying no to extra work without feeling guilty.

The study that might have you wondering if you need glasses

There was a famous psychology study done back in the 1950s called the Asch conformity study.

Before you say Nicole that was 70 years ago…I’ve seen this study replicated on one of those discovery channel programs where they test people with brain teasers and the results are the same.

Here’s what they did in the study:

a participant would come into a room and sit down at a table with two other people,
then the experimenter would ask each participant to look at a screen where they were shown two straight lines.
Then they were asked to say out loud which of the lines was longer.
Important part here, the lines were obviously different lengths, my 5 year old would be able to tell you which line was longer, it was that obvious.

At first, all three people would pick the correct answer, the obvious answer.

But, unknown to the participant, the other two people at the table weren’t volunteers, they were other researchers who were in on the experiment.

Part way through the task the two secret experimenters would start picking the wrong answer.

Remember it was really obvious what the wrong answer was.

At first the participant would look confused, give a strange look at the other two people in the room, and pick the correct answer.

But, here’s the really interesting part → after a few rounds of the two secret researchers giving the wrong answer, some of the participants would start agreeing with them (almost 30% of participants actually)

So say the right answer was line A was longer. First secret experimenter 1 would say B, then secret experimenter 2 would say B, and then even though the participant could see with their own two eyes which one was really longer, 30% of the time they would agree and say B!

When researchers analyze these results one of the conclusions they come to is that often we will conform to the majority because our brains think the group is smarter than the individual. Our brains say, well I'm pretty sure A is longer, but those other two people seem sure it’s B. Maybe I'm wrong, and we change our answer.

This happens because our brains have evolved to learn that in a lot of circumstances the group is smarter than the individual (not always, something called groupthink can be a disaster for decision making in groups, but that’s a story for another day).

Why our brains evolved to care what other people think

Our brains also evolved to care what other people think. 100 000 years ago this kept our ancestors alive. If people in our group didn’t like us, we might get kicked out of the camp and have to fend for ourselves against all the giant animals.

It mattered that we agreed with others. It mattered if other people liked us.

Here’s the problem - our brains haven’t changed that much over the last few thousand years, and those biological drives to worry about what other people think are still held deep in our brains.

And the number of people in our worlds is infinitely bigger, and that makes the situation even more complicated.

It’s not the 10 people in your small group that you live with anymore that you worry about.

We worry about

what our family thinks,
and our friends,
and our co-workers,
and the cashier at your local grocery store,
and that high school teacher you haven't seen in 20 years,
and all the strangers on the internet.

Our world has become so much larger, and our brain still reacts the same way it did thousands of years ago.

The end result? People pleasing, perfectionism, and spending a lot of time hesitating and holding yourself back because you’re worried you might make the wrong choice or upset someone.

Here’s a quick exercise I learned from one of Brené Brown’s books. She suggests taking out a post it, the tiny ones, the little one inch ones. Then fill that teeny tiny post it write the people whose opinions matter to you most. That’s it. If someone’s name isn’t on that list, then Brené says don’t let them take up space in your brain.

How worry what other people think impacts productivity

So what does this all have to do with productivity, getting stuff done, and reaching your goals at work and in your life?

Saying “no” to extra work when we’re already stretched thin with a to-do list a mile long has become really hard to do, especially for us type A, overachievers and recovering perfectionists.

Because we worry about letting someone down or upsetting someone.

If I don’t say yes to staying late to finish this report I’ll let down my client or my boss.
If I say no to answering emails from work on the weekend I might miss something important then my client’s going to be super choked at me tomorrow.
If I don’t work hard all the time then I won’t be good enough, or smart enough, or worthy enough… or whatever enough runs through your brain when you think about saying no and feel guilty.

You’re not alone my friend. In our busy worlds where busy is the new normal, and that hustle culture of working all the time has been so ingrained in our minds, it’s even harder to put up those boundaries and say no to extra work.

3 steps to say “no” with confidence

Here are three steps I use to say “no” more confidently, and with less guilt.

Step 1 = use a script.

Under pressure our brains can get easily overwhelmed and it’s hard to think.

Ever have your boss or coworker pop into your office at the end of the day unexpectedly and ask you to do just one more thing before you leave, and you’re caught by surprise and say yes before you even have a chance to think about it… yep we’ve all been there.

Our brain’s default go-to answer when we’re stressed is to say yes to doing more work. To make it easier for our brains, we have a script. Something written down that we can copy and paste if it’s an email request (which is way easier by the way), or we start training our brains to have that default response in person too.

My favorite script for saying no goes like this “thank you so much for thinking of me for this extra project, but I can’t take it on right now because (insert reason here)”

And here’s the thing, the reason doesn’t have to be that strong. I usually say something like I can’t take it on right now because of my other commitments.

People like having reasons, and any reason will do, trust me there’s research to back this up. It doesn’t matter what reason you give, just give one and folks are more likely to agree with you.

Step 2 = remind yourself why you’re saying no.

Our brains have to make quick decisions in these situations.

And because the default is to feel guilty saying no, they’re going to be quick to remind us why we should say yes (like we might let someone down, or lose our job, or prove to everyone we’re not good enough…).

Remind your brain why you're saying no - what taking on that extra work will do to your workload, your stress, and your productivity.

Because let’s be honest, if you burn yourself out taking on too much you’re not helping anyone in the long run.

Step 3 = Practice.

Remember our brain’s default is to say yes because we feel guilty saying no. We need to unlearn this response.

My suggestion? Go too far in the opposite direction to start.

Make your new default to say no to everything, then spend some time convincing your brain why you should say yes. You might find it’s harder to convince your brain to say yes than you think.

Bonus episode resources

Ever wished you had more time in your day? Checkout my free workbook - Your Daily Productivity Checklist

This free workbook will walk you through the steps I use to set up my day to maximize productivity so you can get more done in your day (without feeling totally overwhelmed or staying up all night to squeeze it all in!) Download your copy at https://www.drnicolebyers.com/checklist

Episode Take Away

Remember, our brains evolved to care what other people think.

A lot of the time, this is a good thing. It helps us get along with others, and bonds families.

But for those of us that tend to set ourselves to super high standards (like my fellow recovering perfectionists and overachievers), this default can lead to people pleasing, which makes it hard for us to say no to extra work.

The end result? We have way too much on our plates, feel totally overwhelmed, and are frustrated that we said yes to that extra work!

Learning to say no in these situations is a skill. It takes practice. But with the strategies we covered today you can train your brain for success.

Show Highlights

[01:51] The Asch Conformity Study is similar to a brain teaser.

[03:45] This study showed that often we will conform to the majority.

[05:30] Using a simple sticky note, try this quick activity.

[06:24] It’s really hard to say no to the extra work you are asked to do. Here are some steps to saying no more confidently.

[07:04] Step 1: Use a script.

[08:19] Step 2: Remind yourself why you’re saying no.

[08:58] Step 3: Practice.

[10:01] Our brains are wired to care what other people think and that’s not always a bad thing, but it can lead to people-pleasing.

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