107: Save Time and Energy by Getting Comfortable Saying “No”

“My to-do list is a mile long and I never have enough time to do it all”

“No matter how hard I work I never seem to get everything done and then I feel guilty that I”m not working hard enough”

“I keep getting distracted by things that aren’t on my to-do list, then rushing to catch up”.

Any of that sound familiar?

Members of our community have said those exact words when I’ve asked about your struggles when it comes to time and getting things done.

Today on the bold life podcast I’ll explain one of the biggest contributors to an overloaded to-do list, saying yes to everything and feeling guilty saying no. I’ll walk you through why it’s so hard to say no (even if you're already totally stretched thin), and three steps to start getting comfortable saying setting boundaries and saying on at work. Okay let’s dive in.

What Do You Do When You Check Everything Off Your To-Do List?

A while back I was in a coach call with a client. Super hard working and successful woman. Killing it in her career, but burning herself out in the process.

We were talking about productivity strategies to reign in her massive to-do list and she was doing a lot of the right things.

preplanning her days to stay on track,
using her schedule, batching tasks to save brain power,
all the good things we talk about on this show…

… but she was still burning out. Feeling defeated and depleted. So we took a closer look at her days.

She walked me through her day, and all the tasks completed, and she had actually gotten to the end of her to-do list that day. Checked everything off.

So I asked her what she did after she had checked all the boxes for the day. She paused, looked at me with a confused look on her face, and said “I started on tomorrow’s list of course”.

If you’ve been following this show for a while you know I have some pretty animated facial expressions. And I’m pretty sure my face when my client said she just starts on tomorrow’s list was a big cringe.

You might be thinking right now, but Nicole, if I'm super efficient and get everything done with time to spare, isn't that a great opportunity to get ahead?

Yes.. but.. You knew that was coming right, here’s the problem with immediately moving on to the next thing.

Why You Forget To Celebrate Your Wins

We set goals and deadlines for a reason. They are motivators for your brain. You have your priority to-do list for the day and that keeps your brain motivated.

Part of the way we make those priority lists mean something for your brain is by celebrating when you get it done!

What’s the point of making a list of priorities if you’re immediately going to move onto new work?

The message that sends to your brain is that it’s never enough.
No matter how much work I do, how many things I check off, it’s never enough, I'm never working hard enough.
And those thoughts my friend are energy vampires and leave you burnt out.

If I finish my check list but don’t take even a moment to feel proud of myself, to notice that accomplishment, my brain learns I always have to keep working. That if I’m not working hard something’s wrong.

And this leads to a lot of bad habits that are really hard on our brains and bodies. Bad habits like saying yes to everything, and feeling guilty saying no.

The “Should’s” and Giant To-Do Lists

One of the biggest contributors to an overloaded to-do list is taking on things that your inner people pleaser or your inner perfectionist says you “should” do.

If you’re feeling stretched thin trying to juggle a million things.

Or if you never get to the actual things on your to-do list because something always seems to come up that needs your immediate attention, you might have a problem saying no.

In our world that values being busy and where we have certain expectations for ourselves about what it means to work hard, saying no feels uncomfortable.

It’s a skill and it takes practice.

Because you’ve learned to say yes all the time, yes to others and yes to yourself.

Yes I can help you with that project,
while I also send emails for my work,
and think about how I’m going to get my kids to dance and soccer and baseball tonight,
and yes when I finally get home I can make supper while helping kids with school and checking more emails, and doing dishes, and laundry…Sound familiar?

The problem is by saying yes and trying to do it all you’ve training your brain that it’s normal to say yes to everything, so doesn’t feel very good to say no

There are two mental habits that make it feel icky to say no: Your inner perfectionist And your inner people pleaser

Why Your Inner Perfectionist Makes it Hard To Say No To Extra Work

Let me explain starting with your inner perfectionist.

Someone asks you to take on an extra project at work, or help with a school fundraiser, or watch your friend’s cat, or book an appointment for your technology challenged parents.

And that inner perfectionist jumps in with a ton of thoughts that make you feel guilty, or like you’re not working hard enough if you say no.

If I say no to that work project that means I'm not talented enough to hack it, or smart enough, or working hard enough, or whatever enough.
If I say no to kids I'm not a good enough mom, I'm never going to be able to do this, how come everyone else makes it look so easy so I must be the problem.

That inner critic keeps pressuring you to be perfect all the time, and saying no feels like weakness, like not good enough. So you say yes because saying no feels like a failure, and even though you know you’d rather say no, that inner mean girl guilts you into saying yes

That Inner People Please Makes Setting Boundaries Even Harder

The other mental habit that makes it hard to say no is your inner people pleaser.

It’s actually biological ingrained in our brains to worry about what other people think. Kept ancestors safe. We needed people to like us so we could work in groups.

Our brains evolved to care what other people thought of us. To worry what others might think.

A few thousand years ago we needed everyone to like us or we’d get kicked out of the cave to fend for ourselves against the giant animals

Even though our brains have changed over the past 300 000 years, those base fears still drive our actions. Or hold us back from taking action.

Someone asks you to do extra work and your inner people pleaser jumps in to say:

What might my spouse think if I say I need help with things around the house, or say no to extra chores.
What would my co-worker say if I say no when they ask me to stay late, or take on an extra project.
I might upset that friend if I say no when she asks me to hang out even though I'm swamped right now.

That guilt you feel saying no that’s caused by our inner people pleaser comes from fear of rejection, very strong for our brains. We want other people to like us, when say “no” worry that going to upset someone, or they won’t like us anymore. That means we say “yes” even when we really want to say no.

Here’s the thing, when we say yes to everything, we end up burning out.

Are You Sacrificing Your Own Wellbeing and Happiness Saying Yes To Everything?

If you take nothing else away from this episode remember this:

Everytime you say yes to something you’re saying no to something else.

Yes to staying late at work means no, I can't pick my kids up from school.

Yes to bringing work home means no to watching your favorite show and relaxing.

Yes to helping with that school bake sale means no to working out.

And you can guess where always saying yes to everything leads - burnout for both your body and your mind. Your brain can only take on so much.

Time is a finite resource, we all only have so much time in the day. When you say yes to everything your time is being eaten up by things that drain your resources.

So you stay up late,
or get up early,
or grab McDonalds on the way home because there’s no time to cook,
and sit at your desk for 10 hours because there’s no time for a break or exercise.

And your body burns out. Your sleep quality declines. You feel tired, gain weight, aches and pains, tension, this all builds.

And that physical burn out takes up even more mental resources

Your brain starts going all the time, mind racing with all the things you need to get done on that giant to-do list.

Which makes it hard to focus so you make mistakes. You’re not doing your best work when your juggling a million things at once.

The end result? You feel overwhelmed, depleted, angry/irritable, a bit resentful of everything you’ve been asked to do.

When you say yes to everything you’re not doing your best. You’re not giving your best to you or to anyone else

3 Steps To Start Saying No Without Feeling Guilty

So what do you do? How do you start saying no without feeling guilty? How do you train your brain to feel comfortable being proud when you finish your to-do list, and to keep those boundaries in place for your time and energy.

Here are 3 steps I use to start saying no without feeling horrible or like you’re failing

Step 1 - Be clear on your priorities.

This is a really important step. One of the reasons we say yes all the time is we aren’t super clear and honest with ourselves about where our priorities are right now (hint, priorities can change).

Start broad - ask yourself - what is my big goal right now, what am I working towards?. Health, work, family?

Then ask yourself - How do I want to be able to show up in those areas?

When you’re super clear on where your priority is right now it’s way easier to say no to things that fall outside of that.

Step 2 - Use a script. Have a plan.

When we’re caught off guard it’s really hard to say no. And your brain’s default is to say yes.

Having a plan for how you’ll handle extra requests makes it way easier for your brain.

I like to have a script I use when I get requests. Something like this.

“Thank you so much for thinking about me for this project, unfortunately I’m not taking on any new projects right now because of my other commitments”.

This sounds super simple I know, but there’s some real science behind why it works.

First you Say thanks - Which lets the person asking know you appreciate their time, and helps appease that inner people pleaser who wants to do everything.

Then you give a reason for saying no (a broad one is okay). That will appease your inner perfectionist who wants to do it all, and we know that people are more likely to agree if you give a reason

Step 3 - Follow through

This is the most important step. Stick to your guns.

If you say no, then later feel guilty and say yes, you just come across as wishy washy, and your brain is wasting a ton of resources.

Plus your brain won’t believe you next time you say no (it will have learned you’ll just go back on your word later anyway).

If you had a friend that was always changing their mind about helping how would that feel? Not great. So don’t do it to yourself

Key Takeaways

Okay let’s do a quick summary of what you learned today, because it was a lot. It’s hard for your brain to say no to extra work because of your inner perfectionist and your inner people pleaser.

Your brain is designed to want to succeed and to care what people think. So we take on way too much and say yes to everything because saying no feels like we’re failing or letting someone down.

But every time you say yes to something you’re saying no to something else - and that’s a quick path to burn out.

To start building confidence saying no - have a plan, use a script (so it’s easier for your brain) and be consistent.

Saying no is a skill, but like learning anything new - it gets easier with practice.

Bonus Resources

This episode is brought to you by my free 5-part training - Confidence Bootcamp. For anyone who wants to confidently take action every day towards their goals...without instantly doubting yourself, being certain you did it “wrong”, and stressing about what everyone will think! Each day for 5 days you’ll get a video training from me, and a worksheet with practical strategies to start pushing past taht self doubt, perfectionism, and inner people pleaser so you can take confident action towards your goals. Just head to drnicolbebyers.com/bootcamp to sign up.

Show Highlights

[01:52] Take a listen. Are you like this client of mine?

[03:29] Here are the problems with immediately moving on to the next thing when you’ve completed your tasks for the day.

[04:35] One of the biggest contributors to an overloaded to-do list is taking on more tasks than you have time for. (You may have a problem saying no.)

[05:56] Why your inner perfectionist keeps you from saying no.

[07:02] Your inner people pleaser keeps you stuck as well. Learn why.

[08:25] Every time you say “yes” to something, you’re saying “no” to something else.

[10:22] The three steps I use to feel more comfortable saying “no.”

[13:17] A quick summary of everything you’ve learned today.

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