105: How To Stop Comparison From Destroying Your Confidence

Do you ever get stuck in the comparison game? Looking around at everyone else’s success whether it’s coworkers, family and friends, or strangers on social media and getting pulled into that mental loop of self-doubt, and feeling like you “should” be doing better?

Don’t worry my friend, you’re not alone. And that comparison game not only can impact your confidence, it can make you procrastinate and hold yourself back from your goals. Read on and I’ll explain why our brains are so easily pulled into this comparison game, and one strategy to boost your confidence.

How I Got Stuck Comparing Myself to Everyone Else On Social Media

Earlier this year I was launching my coaching program - The Productivity Formula. I was pretty excited about the program. I’d worked on the course all last summer, and a small group of first students had gone through the program in the fall with success.

I love teaching (it’s one of the reasons I started this podcast - it brings me so much joy to share the things I learn with other people, and if you’ve been a listener for a while you know a lot of my stories start with “so I was reading this book”)

So I'm feeling excited about offering the program again and potentially getting a new group of students. I was feeling a bit stretched thin in January this year while I prepared to Launch the Productivity Formula again. I was training some new staff in my clinical practice somewhat unexpectedly.

So I had to do a lot of juggling in my schedule to make sure I was super clear on my priorities, and had the time I needed booked every day for those key tasks. Like I said I was feeling a bit stretched thin, but I also knew it was time limited. I’d set my schedule up so it was busy for a few weeks, but that was going to ease up again soon.

And then I started to notice I wasn’t as focused as I usually am on new projects. I was spending a lot of time distracted, especially on social media. And it wasn’t just that I was using social media a lot, I wasn't (remember back in episode 83 I shared how I got out of my habit of “just checking” social media all day long with two jars and some paperclips).

The problem wasn’t the time I was spending on social. The problem was how I felt after scrolling through posts of friends and colleagues for a few minutes.

How did I feel you might be wondering? Discouraged and depleted. I was scrolling through posts on social that usually motivate me (stories of success, tips and strategies for business) and instead of feeling inspired, my brain was going to that place of self doubt and insecurity.

Thoughts like:

“oh my gosh look at this person, she started her business the same time as me and she’s so far ahead of me now”, or
“ugh this person makes it look so easy, how come my stuff never comes out so smooth?”,
“ why am i even trying to launch this program again, I’m a total failure, who am i to think i can do this? I should just quit while i’m ahead”

Sound familiar?

Why Your Brain Likes To Compare and Judge Yourself

We’ve all fallen into this comparison game.

Whether it’s scrolling through social media looking at someone’s amazing home and perfect career and wondering why we’re not smart enough to get that success.

Or talking to a friend who seems to have it all figured out, then that inner mean girl starts talking over your shoulder judging yourself and wondering why you can’t have your stuff together too.

Especially in our online world where it’s so easy to compare ourselves to others, we get stuck in this pattern of setting crazy high expectations for ourselves just because someone else seems to have it all together, then judging ourselves when we don’t feel like we measure up.

Part of the problem is biological. Our brains are designed to compare.

Your Brain Processes A Ton Of Info At Once

Right now your brain is receiving hundreds if not thousands of points of data from your environment.

I’m sitting at my computer and my brain is filtering everything I hear…

that bird chirping outside,
the hum of my computer,
the sound of my own voice as I record this episode.

Everything I see…

the blinking light on my camera as I record,
the clouds going by outside,
the colors of all the books on my bookshelf.

Our brains are constantly taking in sensory information from our worlds. And your brain uses this information to make decisions.

Say you’re walking down the street and up ahead the sidewalk has shifted and the stone is higher than the one before.

Your brain is analyzing the relative height of that next stone (do I need to lift my leg higher so I don’t trip),
the stability of your other leg (am I balanced enough to take that step),
anything else that’s going on like the person coming from the other direction you need to avoid, the breeze that blows your hair in your eyes.
All this information is coming into your brain and your brain is making constant comparisons in order to make decisions.
So that you step up over that shift in the pavement and don’t fall flat on your face.

It’s totally normal! That's how your brain is designed to work. Often without you noticing - you probably didn’t even consciously think about the next stone being higher, your brain took in the info and made the comparison all on its own.

Because so much of our modern life is difficult to measure, we also look to others for comparison. So our brains can get that feedback on if we’re making the right choices or not.

The Problem With How This Works In Our Modern World

There are a couple of problems with this as I’m sure you can imagine.

Problem 1 = the digital world gives as skewed data for comparison.

We all know this is true but it's’ easy to forget, the vast majority of people only post success online. We post the highlights right?

That picture where you look amazing (not the 20 others where you judge your skin and your weight and your hair),
the success story from work (not the 10 other times this week you mess up).

So we get a rose colored glasses view of other’s lives. Our brains scrolls social media and it seems like everyone else has it together all the time and that’s not reality. But that’s the input you’re feeding your brain. That’s the data your brain has to make decisions based on. So it makes sense when all we show our brains is that everyone else is winning at life, we start to doubt ourselves.

Problem 2 = our brains are amazing, but they have selective attention.

We tend to overestimate the successes of others and underestimate our own wins when we get into this comparison game.

Do this quickly → Think of 5 mistakes you made this week. That email you sent with a typo, said the wrong thing in a meeting, were late picking your kids up. Was it pretty easy to think of 5 mistakes you made this week?

Now think of 5 wins from this week. 5 successes. I like to call these my small victories, they don’t have to be major. Today I finished recording a batch of podcast episodes, got to work on time, remembered to send a happy birthday message to my friend… what are 5 things you did well? Was it a lot harder to think of the wins? If so, that’s totally normal.

Our brains are trained to focus on our mistakes. It’s meant to keep us safe. If I focus on my mistakes I can fix them next time right? Nope. Not how our brains work.

The more you focus on mistakes the more likely you are to make more mistakes! So frustrating but that’s how our attention systems work.

Because our brains are selectively attentive to our wins and our losses, we are more likely to notice the times we mess up.

So when we’re looking at someone else's highlight reel on social media, all we think of is our own faults, sending you into a spiral of self doubt, lack of confidence, and self judgment. No fun.

Are You Judging Yourself Based on a Finite or Infinite World?

I was reading this book recently - you knew that was coming right - by Simon Sinek called The Infinite Game. Simon Sinek is the Start With Why guy, who’s all about finding your passion for motivation. He has a great Ted talk about how to do this, check it out here.

His newest book really got me thinking. He says another thinking error that gets us stuck in this comparison game is that we approach most areas of our life like they are win or lose.

Even if you’re not a super competitive person, we tend to see things as either win/loss, success or failure. Like every area of our life is a game of cards.

Allison is big into Uno right now and when you play cards someone wins and someone loses. There’s an obvious end point.

Sports are like that too. Play a game of soccer and there’s a point when it ends and someone is declared the winner.

But most areas of our life aren’t like that. They're not finite games, they’re infinite games. And we can’t approach them as win-lose or we get stuck in self doubt and frustration.

Like parenting. How do you win at parenting? I know we joke about parenting wins, but any parent knows that game is infinite. Your role might change but it goes on for the rest of your life.

Your career is like this too. Yes there might be a point where you retire, but that could be 20-30 years from now. That’s a long game to be trying to win all the time.

In his book Simon Sinek shares examples of companies that have an infinite mindset. Companies who see business as infinite (not something to be won or lost, but something where we continue to grow and evolve over time) tend to be better at dealing with adversity, setbacks, and change. Finite minded businesses go bust. The world changes, the economy changes, something new is invented and they can’t adapt.

And we can use this analogy for us as individuals as well. It’s a lot like a growth or fixed mindset but around comparison.

When we have a finite mindset about success and failure we get stuck in the comparison game. Comparing ourselves to others and then we feel that if we’re not winning, we’re losing, and because we’re so good at focusing on our own faults, it always feels like we’re losing!

We go into that spiral of self doubt, feeling like you’re not good enough or smart enough or whatever enough, and that not only makes you feel like garbage, it makes it hard to stay motivated. So then you start procrastinating, avoiding, and getting more and more frustrated with yourself!

Where Do You Get Stuck In The Comparison Game?

Have you noticed there are some areas of your life where you get sucked into this comparison game more often than others? I definitely have.

We all have those insecurities. Those areas where we’re not super confident, and it’s easy to start to doubt yourself.

For me being pretty new to this business world it’s anything related to business. So it makes sense that earlier this year when I’m launching a new coaching program I am more likely to get stuck comparing myself to others.

I don’t worry when I’m skiing if others are better than me (I’m an average skier at best but I’m not at all self conscious) because skiing isn’t a source of insecurity for me. It’s not where I already question myself. So when someone whips by me on the hill I think “oh they’re so good they must have been doing this for a while, how can I learn from them” instead of “ugh I’m the worst skier ever I’m going to go sit in the chalet”

But in business I'm not as confident. And I do start to second guess. I see someone else having success, it’s easy for me to think “ugh I’m never going to figure this out” instead of “wow that’s so awesome how can i do that too”.

We each tend to have areas where we’re less confident, more insecure, and where that comparison game gets to those insecurities. Especially if your brain is already running low on resources. Already feeling stretched thin with a million things on your plate? It’s way easier to get sucked into that brain default of comparing yourself to others.

Build Your Own Success Box To Recharge Your Confidence

So what can you do? How can you get out of this trap of constantly comparing yourself to others and feeling like you're not good enough?

When I was young my parents had this box of my accomplishments (they still have it actually). That macaroni necklace I made when I was 5,
my first award in school,
anything they were proud of or thought I might want some day.

As a kid it always felt silly, why would I want this stuff, but as a parent I totally get it. I have a box for Allison too and I even recently made a binder of pictures she’s drawn from her first scribbles to her people that almost look like people now that she’s four. I love it.

Parents do this to have keepsakes, but this strategy is also really powerful to counteract our inner critic. Let me explain…

Now that I’m a grown up I have my own success box. It’s virtual. I keep a file of positive comments I receive from our community on social media, positive emails I get thanking me for this podcast, even feedback I get from organizers at conferences I’ve presented at. Anything that makes me smile when I read it.

Then when I’m having a comparison day. When I'm stuck in doubt, feeling like a total failure, or scared I’m never going to succeed, I pull out this file and read through the messages.

Remember our brains are great at focusing on the negative. Having this success box is a fantastic way to remind your brain that you have win’s too.

Your Challenge For The Week

So here’s your challenge this week → create your own success box and start training your brain to focus on your wins (not everywhere you feel you’re messing up).

Option 1 = keep a virtual high five/success real like me where you can read through positive feedback whenever you need a reminder that you are in fact a fantastic person who has done some pretty awesome things.

Option 2 = start tracking your small victories. Once a week sit down and write out 5 things you did well this week. Doesn't take long, but these strategies will snap your brain out of comparison mode, and remind you of the things you’re doing well.

PS - Have you taken my stress personality quiz yet? Based on your unique style you’ll get tips and strategies from me on how best to build confidence, get more done in your day, and keep taking action towards your goals. You can take the quiz by clicking here.

Show Highlights

[01:33] Earlier this year I was launching my coaching program and found myself stuck and procrastinating.

[03:19] I began scrolling Facebook and started spiraling down the comparison game.

[04:53] Our brains are designed to compare and judge in order to help us make safe decisions.

[06:48] The problem with social media in relation to the data we are providing to our brain.

[09:36] Another error that keeps us stuck in comparison as described by Simon Sinek.

[11:26] How a finite mindset makes it hard to stay motivated.

[13:40] Learn how you can get out of the comparison spiral.

[15:23] Your challenge this week: create your own success box.

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